A lot has changed...

A lot has changed since I last wrote a post on here. Some for the better and some not.

For starters, I am no longer friends with my "best friend' or her bf (ex-bf now) they showed their true colors after he stole my laptop and changed his number on me. I was a real punch to the gut because these were people I thought were my family. Her and I knew each other for almost 7 years. Seven fucking years and at the end she threw me away like I was garbage.

I let them stay with me when they were homeless for a couple weeks, I gave her rides to the welfare office all the way in the city and I babysat for her whenever she needed me too. She did things for me also but nowhere near as much. I let him borrow my laptop because the one he had broke and he works in computer programming. I told him that I'd ask for it back when I needed it. Well, a few months go by and I'm getting ready to start school so I texted him asking for it back. He ignored my text. At this point, they were no longer staying with me and they had broken up. We all hung out occasionally though and were still on good terms for the most part. He had been living in my car, yes you read that right, in my car. He would sleep in my trunk (I have an SUV so it was spacious and easy to get out of) and a few months later he found a place and had money to move into it.

I was happy for him because he was like a brother to me and I never felt like he would betray me. After he ignored my text, I texted him again asking him to meet me so I can get my laptop. Still no reply. I texted my ex-bff and asked her what was up, she said she had no idea because they had a big fight and they were no longer on speaking terms.

A few months went by, I was constantly texting him, messaging him on fb, etc. I was hoping it was some big mistake because surely he wouldn't treat me this way after I did so much for him right? WRONG. I didn't just twiddle my thumbs for 2 months though. I worked my ass off and did everything I could to find out where he could be. I would've went straight to the cops but I didn't have the serial number for the laptop and it was just a generic hp. I contacted the company that I bought it from and explained the situation but they said that they didn't store the serial numbers of the laptops sold. I still asked for proof of ownership, just in case.

They sent me a paper saying all the general info of what kind of laptop and whatnot. It didn't really help because without the serial number there was no way to prove that the laptop he held was mine. I tried looking through every single account that I have to find the tracking info to see where it could be but he had signed out of all of my accounts a month prior. The tracking software on my hp was turned off as well.

I had all but given up hope when he viewed my linkedin account. Now, this may not sound like much to some, but I had been suspecting for a while that he was still homeless. Before he was staying with me, he was living outside of starbucks. I knew that he only had wifi access at starbucks and he stayed there from open to close everyday. So based on the probability that there was a 90% chance of him being there, I told my dad to get ready and we rushed over there. Sure enough, he was sleeping at a table with my laptop right there on the table. Needless to say, we got it back. My dad said loudly enough for everyone to hear, "We're here to get my daughters laptop back, you've had it long enough" just in case anyone thought that we were the ones stealing from him. 

After I got my laptop back, I checked to make sure it was still working correctly and the passwords were still the same. Everything was fine but it was dirty as eff so I had to clean it off.

I'll update why my ex-bff and I are no longer friends in a second part.

Moving out soon, hopefully!

Hey guys (: so for the past month or so, I've been hanging out with my best friend and her boyfriend (who is like a brother to me) and they were going to get a place together and invited me to move in with them! It's amazing. I never got to buy that scale because I'm trying to save money for the move, which is extremely hard because I'm such shit when it comes to saving. 

I haven't been eating much lately, but I've discovered a love for sunflower seeds. So instead of eating a bunch of food, I just snack on sunflower seeds all day and it keeps me satisfied. I'm not sure if I've lost weight, because like I said, I don't have a scale right now. I'm trying to cut out soda right now, I drink way too much and I'm so bloated that I look pregnant. Literally. It's so embarrassing. 

I met a new coworker today, and she's a gym fiend. I invited her to come with me, and she said that she would love to! I'm excited. Hopefully we can start going together and she can help push me through my hurdles lol 

Anyway, I'm heading to bed, just thought I'd update you guys. 

Xoxo, 

~anamia

Easter festivities

Hey everyone, sorry I didn't update sooner, I had a rough day on Friday and decided to skip on work again. Saturday was bat-shit insane at work, I work retail and apparently everyone waits until Saturday to buy Easter clothes. It was a mad house, I was closing and we were there until midnight, even though we were only scheduled until 11:30pm. We didn't even get to finish fixing everything because it was such a disaster. 

People are starting to get on my case about missing so much work, the thing with my depression though is that I just don't care. I give zero fucks about what's happening around me, I wouldn't even care if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, honestly. I'd probably be more grateful than anything else. 

I actually didn't gain as much as I thought I did, I weighed in at 224.8 on Friday. My highest was around 227. During my hiatus, I fluctuated from 226 to 227 so seeing 224 is actually somewhat of a relief. 

Yesterday was Easter, I tried not to eat too much because I don't need to gain any more weight. My mom made ham and Mac and cheese and some roasted vegetables. I ate some ham and Mac and cheese but the vegetables weren't my cup of tea. There's never any flavor to them when she makes them that way. The rest was good though. I need to stop drinking soda, I feel like it's really affecting my health in a negative way. I'm exhausted, I think I'm heading to bed now, it's 5am lol 

Have a good day everyone (: 

xoxo 

-anamia

Why I've been absent...

So, I don't know if any of you know this, I think it's kind of obvious tbh but I suffer from really bad depression. Lately, I've been going through a very hard time, depression wise. I've been skipping out on work, I dropped out of spring quarter for college, I've been a complete mess and I've just been dealing with fucking up my life and all of that good stuff. 

I do still have my gym membership, but to be honest, I haven't gone in a month. I was going with my friend but she moved to a different state, so now I only see her when she visits and then we go together. I do like going, I like working out but I just haven't been motivated to even get out of fucking bed in the morning (more like afternoon.) my depression has been so bad that I ended up cutting again. I haven't cut in a year or so but it just felt like.... relief? Like I released all of the pent up shit that I had been holding in. 

I feel like a switch has been flipped in my head and now I don't want to eat anything, or I could always purge. I don't want to be a fat miserable fuck anymore. I tried eating healthy while I was away but it sucks. It would be way easier if I lived by myself because I just wouldn't buy all that fattening shit that my dad buys. Honestly, if it's there, I'm going to eat it. Without a doubt. I have zero self control. I wish they wouldn't fucking buy all the shitty chips and soda and sweets. It makes it so hard. I'm gonna try to do a "warm up" fast, but I'm not making any promises because I do have to work tomorrow and Saturday and I don't want to be all loopy. I might just fast through the day and then have a small meal before I go to bed. 

I'm seriously so sick of this shit. I haven't weighed myself in forever but I'm 100% sure that I've gained since my last post. I'm disgusting. 

The only time I ever truly truly felt sheer joy, just when I hit 139 pounds before high school. Seeing those numbers go down and breaking that plateau was probably the most amazing feeling! I'm leaving you guys with a motivational quote to kick your ass into gear (:

Update you tomorrow! 

xoxo 

-anamia

Good progress so far

Hey guys! So my starting weight this time around was an embarrassing 226.4 lbs. 11/3/15 was when I cut out soda and I have to be honest with you guys, I did get fast food yesterday but I didn't get any soda. I logged all my calories though and the only think I ate yesterday was the hamburger and fries I got because that was a full days worth of calories D: I worked through the night at my job so I didn't have anything to tempt me (food wise) 

Oh and I joined planet fitness! I got home around midnight or so and I went to my gym (it's open 24 hours) and I got all the forms filled out and whatnot and then I left because I wasn't prepared to work out right then. This morning when I weighed myself I was 121.6 lbs. so I've lost water weight and the bloat that I had from all the soda. I got a sandwich from 7-11 on my way home but I had burned enough calories during the day so it was fine to eat it. My daily calories according to My fitness pal is 1210. Sunday I'm going to go shopping at sprouts because I need a few things to prep my meals so that I'm not tempted to eat fast food so often. I ordered a food scale online along with some meal prep containers. I'm really excited you guys (: 

My goal right now is to be 199 lbs within the next 3 months. So February 7, 2016 I want to be 199 lbs. My ultimate goal weight is to be 115-120 lbs but that's over 100 lbs from now so I don't want to look that far ahead yet. I'm kind of tempted to go to the gym right now. I work the night shift again tomorrow so I could go now and come home in time to fall asleep for 8 hours and then get ready for work tomorrow. We'll see. Alright guys well I'll keep you updated! Love you!

Moving in the right direction

I have decided that I am either going to join a gym or get a treadmill for myself. A planet fitness has just opened up a few blocks from my house and I've been debating whether or not to sign up. They're having a $1 startup for their black card membership right now so I might do that but after that it's $20 a month and it has a 12 month commitment. I'm not sure I could afford that honestly. I might just sign up for their $10 membership instead. 

My dad said he's going to buy me inline rollerskates for Christmas and I'm really excited! I loved rollerskating as a kid and I know that it's a decent workout so I can't wait to start rollerskating again! I'm so huge right now, I hate it. I have been eating tons of fast food and drinking tons of soda and I just need to stop. 

I realized that I would be a lot fatter if I liked sweet things (cake, cookies, etc) thank god I'm more of a savory person! I know what my weaknesses are and I need to tackle them if I'm ever going to lose this weight. 

My weaknesses: 

1. Soda- 

I drink maybe a liter of soda every fucking day and that needs to just stop. I don't even know if I have diabetes but I hope not. If I keep living like this, I am going to get diabetes and heart disease and I will die at a young age. I need to stop killing myself because I have a life to live and this isn't the body that I want to do it in. 

2. Portion Sizes- 

They don't even exist to me. My portions are huge, it's pretty much "I could probably eat that whole pizza," so I end up eating a whole frigging pizza! It's disgusting. The pizza I buy is 2500 calories for the whole thing and that's only for one "meal!!!" 

3. Fast Food- 

Almost everything about fast food is unhealthy. The healthy things on fast food menus are foreign to me because I always go for the full fat, full grease, high caloric burger. I spend so much money on fast food every month, I could be saving that money and buying exercise equipment or save for my college textbooks! McDonald's recently introduced the all day breakfast menu and I'll drive through the drive-thru at 3am and get a sausage mcmuffin. I should be sleeping, not stuffing my face with a 500 calorie sandwich!

There's a lot more that I need to work on but until I can afford doing what I want to do, I need to focus on my diet. 

No more tomorrow's, I'm doing it now!

Birthday

Today is my birthday. You think that I'd feel more excited. 19 woohoo big frigging deal. I'm still a giant waste of space.