I purged.

My boyfriend is here right now. My mom sat us down and had a talk with us. She portrayed me in such a bad light and the whole time all I wanted to do was shove pizza down my throat, which I did. Followed by many sips of Pepsi. Then before she was even finished talking I went to the bathroom and I purged. I purged until I was empty and I felt better. My boyfriend wanted to kiss me because he thought my feelings were hurt but I turned my head cause I didn't want him to smell the vomit. I feel bad that I hurt him. I love him. I don't think I'm gonna tell  him about this. Ugh.

Thinspo

Ah! Technology sucks.

My last post was actually named something like "updates and thinspo" and the "updates and shit" was before I decided to add thinspo so I guess it only saved the original copy and when I tried publishing it AGAIN this morning I didn't notice that it didn't contain the thinspo so I'm sorry. I recently got an iPhone 4S so I'm trying to figure this stuff out. Ugh.
Yesterday I said "fuck" in front of my therapist without realizing it. I feel dirty now. I never really swore in front of my therapist so it made me cringe when it just slipped out like that. I've been accidentally/ "accidentally" restricting the past two days. I sleep all day, so yesterday when I woke up it was like 1 in the afternoon and my therapist appt. was at 5:30 so I had to leave by 4:30 and I still had to do laundry and shower and stuff so I just skipped eating. I drank some apple cinnamon tea though. But boy did I feel the repercussions, I live in a huge city that everyone has heard of, so when it's 4:30 that's rush hour traffic. So my dad had to constantly brake and go brake and go brake and go, so it made me incredibly nauseous and I had a terrible headache (this happens regularly when my bloodsugar gets too low, I think) so I felt awful and every time I looked down to change the song on my phone I felt the intense urge to puke everywhere. My therapist gave me a power bar which helped me for a bit and when I got home I had chicken soup and toast. That's it. I don't know how much I weigh this morning and I didn't get nearly enough sleep to get an accurate reading so after I get a nap in then I'll weigh myself.
I can sleep because I'm so hungry. My bones hurt and feel jumpy at the same time. I had to wake up at 6:50 today and I didn't even sleep until 3 am because I was starving. But I didn't eat. That's all that matters right? School is stressful. I feel so out of control. There's literally nothing that is in my hands and my hands alone. I need to clean my room and sleep and wait for my boyfriend to come down tomorrow. I need to be hugged and I need his warm cuddles.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this obese monstrosity staring back at me. I want to carve all of the fat off my body. But I can't because it will scar. That's the only thing that's stopping me. I want to be thin and beautiful not thin and horribly disfigured. I'll shut up now and post some thinspo. I've got a small variety since all my other photos are stuck in my old phone. I'll have to look into getting them out. I'll update later today or tomorrow. Until then my chickies (:


~xoxo anamia~

Updates and shit

Okay so josh and I worked everything out and he agreed never to see her again and now we're right back to being happy and in love.

 I realized how fat I've become and it disgusts me. I want to be skinny and beautiful and I want to be able to walk around naked in front of my boyfriend, ya know? So I've been eating less and exercising. I think I'm gonna start purging again... I miss it. I know that sounds sick but I miss the rush and how I felt so pure afterwards. I loved that feeling. I still do. Nothing can compare to it. Purging and restricting was when I lost the most weight. I just want to be thin and I want to be able to see some rib action. Is that wrong? 

Keep holding on. 

~xoxo anamia~

EDIT: I actually posted this several days ago but barely noticed right now that the publishing failed. I'm sorry to keep you guys waiting!! 

Life's ups and downs

So I realized that a lot of you have no idea what happened yesterday.Well I don't think I told you guys that josh came to see me this weekend. He had a three day weekend so he drove all this way to spend it with me. 

Well he got here Friday night and has been staying at my house since, we've been having a lot of fun and our relationship sparked right back up again. Well last night I wanted to surprise him by finding him directions in his phone so that he wouldn't get lost when he left tomorrow morning. I got curious so I clicked on his texts with his ex Ashley and started reading through them. That's when I found out that he had cheated on me. It was purely physical and a one time only thing and he admitted to it when I confronted him. He even cried, which he never does in front of anyone. Ever. 

I had to decide what to do but I was so sad that I was crying in my room telling my best friend about it (this was at 2 am FYI) and then I went out to the living room and my boyfriend and I talked it out. He answered all of my questions and it seems like he was genuinely sorry about it. 

Here's the weird thing. I know I should've reacted really angry and upset and yelling and stuff and don't get me wrong, I cried, but there was just something about it... Like I cried because I felt like it was what most people would do in that situation but honestly I didn't feel any different towards him. I still trusted him the same (weirdly) and I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that it was acceptable behavior but I didn't want to break up. So I prayed, I asked god to help me and for some reason I felt really calm all of a sudden and felt the urge to forgive my boyfriend. So I did. I forgave him and he promised he would never do it again and I believe him. He was lonely and he really is a good guy, so I don't see why I can't forgive him this time. 

But. Now it's a new day and I'm laying here next to him and I'm  thinking about them having sex and kissing and fondling each other and it's making me sick. He's mine. I love him. And he was kissing another girl. He was touching another girl. Not just any girl but his ex. The chick he was with for 2 and a half years.  How do I compete with that? We've only been together for 5 months. I feel confused. I know that he loves me and all that but god, what do I do? I keep thinking of them undressing each other and moaning and it's fucking grossing me out. That was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be with him. Not her. I can't think anymore I need to focus on other things. I'll update y'all later. Thanks for listening. 

P.s. I'm going to tell him that I cut again. 

I'm so fucking stupid and I hate myself. If I had a shot gun I would end it all right now.

Godfuckingdamn. My boyfriend cheated on me. How do I know? I looked through his phone ( just by curiosity I swear) and I read his texts with his ex and they pretty much told me so. I cut myself and I'm crying and I'm just falling to pieces. I want this pain to stop. Please just make it stop. 

191

I'm 191 lbs today! Woo. It's so fucked up that I'm cheering myself on for being such a high number. My future is fucked. If I can't lose all this fucking weight by the time that my boyfriend comes, then he's probably not even gonna like me anymore. Nah he's not that superficial. But god damnit I feel like he won't ya know? Cause I'm so paranoid about what everyone is thinking all the damn time. 

I'm watching American horror story right now, I love this freaking show. Anyway my future is screwed. I havent Studied for the SATs and I'm taking them next month. $51 down the drain. I haven't finished college applications. LOL I haven't even started applications. I'm so fucking lame and I'm probably gonna pick up garbage for the rest of forever. I can't get a job either. I have no money and no future so I might as well just fucking die now. Whatever maybe that's what's best.

Good evening to everyone!

So as I posted yesterday, I gained tons of weight back. This morning I was 192.2 which is wayyyy better than 194. Yesterday I did fast but I did go walking for an hour :D slowly so that I wouldn't hurt my ankles ya know? And I burned 262 calories. Woo! Today was better food wise but I still have to exercise tonight. 

Oh big news!! I got an iPhone 4S! My first iPhone ever and so far I really love it hehe I got the white one because white is my favorite color (: I need a case for it soon cause the last thing I want to do it drop it lol. Now that I've downloaded all my main apps (blogger, my fitness pal, run keeper, etc) it's gonna be much easier to get back on track. Here's to hoping!

Don't worry I didn't forget yall

I know its been a while but I've been thinking about you guys almost everyday. I failed again. I know I know you're probably tired of hearing me repeat it over and over. I have less than a month, thanksgiving break to be exact, to lose 20 lbs. My boyfriend is coming for thanksgiving and I need to lose all the extra fat that I've accumulated these past couple months. I'm gonna do a water,tea and coffee fast today.
Oh I started cutting again. But not really because I was emotional, I just missed it. I know that makes me sound looney but I missed how it felt, like a release. I actually bought an exacto knife for the sole purpose of using it to cut. I'm a total loon. 
This morning I weighed in at 194.4 lbs. That means in the three years+ that I've been at this I've only lost 2 lbs. Two fucking pounds. I need to stop filling my body with garbage and do something about all this fat. Wish me luck please.