yesterday i was a grotesque 185.7. yes i know. fuck me right? but the past couple days I've forced myself to go out at 6 AM and run a mile. Today I weighed in at 184.4. It's not great but it's better than yesterday. I'm doing a drink fast. so far today I've only had 2 cups of black mango tea (i think that's what it's called) and a cup of cola. I'm steeping more tea right now. I feel angry. Angry at myself, at my body, at my parents, and this stupid fucking stomach and the human need to eat. I'm so fucking angry at myself. I hate my body, I hate myself.
I'm starting to get the purge thoughts again. I haven't done it yet, but it's constantly there in the back of my mind. I think it's safer to just not eat anything until my boyfriend gets here. I know he's gonna want to pick me up at the train station and I don't want him to pass out in public because I'm too fucking fat to lift. I feel ashamed and pathetic. I feel like crying. I got a new top, jeggings, and a cute parka/cardigan and guess what? I look so fat in them. I dont even want to wear them in public. Oh and wanna hear something ironic? I got new exercise clothes to inspire myself to work out and THEY DON'T FUCKING FIT. I got them in a large "just in case" and they still don't fucking fit. I'm seriously getting emotional right now. The only thing I've eaten is a tiny spoon of chili beans that I made for my parents because I wanted to make sure that I seasoned them correctly. That's it. Not even 20 calories. I ran out of my trazodone and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep at night, that's how I'm able to go running at 6 am. I fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep through it. I've been doing my yoga lately too. OH and I'm on my fucking period.. how fucking great right? on the one hand I'm glad that I'm not pregnant, but on the other hand I really don't know how much I weigh because I gain weight on my period. Last time he saw me I was 177 so hopefully I don't look like a fucking whale. We all know how those few extra pounds look on us. I'm so fucking gross. okay the tea is called Mango Black Tea. I got it at trader joes and its delicious. Even the smell is delicious. I need my meds. I'll update tomorrow lovelies and sorry for the disappointing news.