Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Yesterday I said "fuck" in front of my therapist without realizing it. I feel dirty now. I never really swore in front of my therapist so it made me cringe when it just slipped out like that. I've been accidentally/ "accidentally" restricting the past two days. I sleep all day, so yesterday when I woke up it was like 1 in the afternoon and my therapist appt. was at 5:30 so I had to leave by 4:30 and I still had to do laundry and shower and stuff so I just skipped eating. I drank some apple cinnamon tea though. But boy did I feel the repercussions, I live in a huge city that everyone has heard of, so when it's 4:30 that's rush hour traffic. So my dad had to constantly brake and go brake and go brake and go, so it made me incredibly nauseous and I had a terrible headache (this happens regularly when my bloodsugar gets too low, I think) so I felt awful and every time I looked down to change the song on my phone I felt the intense urge to puke everywhere. My therapist gave me a power bar which helped me for a bit and when I got home I had chicken soup and toast. That's it. I don't know how much I weigh this morning and I didn't get nearly enough sleep to get an accurate reading so after I get a nap in then I'll weigh myself.
I can sleep because I'm so hungry. My bones hurt and feel jumpy at the same time. I had to wake up at 6:50 today and I didn't even sleep until 3 am because I was starving. But I didn't eat. That's all that matters right? School is stressful. I feel so out of control. There's literally nothing that is in my hands and my hands alone. I need to clean my room and sleep and wait for my boyfriend to come down tomorrow. I need to be hugged and I need his warm cuddles.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this obese monstrosity staring back at me. I want to carve all of the fat off my body. But I can't because it will scar. That's the only thing that's stopping me. I want to be thin and beautiful not thin and horribly disfigured. I'll shut up now and post some thinspo. I've got a small variety since all my other photos are stuck in my old phone. I'll have to look into getting them out. I'll update later today or tomorrow. Until then my chickies (:
EDIT: I actually posted this several days ago but barely noticed right now that the publishing failed. I'm sorry to keep you guys waiting!!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
I know its been a while but I've been thinking about you guys almost everyday. I failed again. I know I know you're probably tired of hearing me repeat it over and over. I have less than a month, thanksgiving break to be exact, to lose 20 lbs. My boyfriend is coming for thanksgiving and I need to lose all the extra fat that I've accumulated these past couple months. I'm gonna do a water,tea and coffee fast today.
Oh I started cutting again. But not really because I was emotional, I just missed it. I know that makes me sound looney but I missed how it felt, like a release. I actually bought an exacto knife for the sole purpose of using it to cut. I'm a total loon.
This morning I weighed in at 194.4 lbs. That means in the three years+ that I've been at this I've only lost 2 lbs. Two fucking pounds. I need to stop filling my body with garbage and do something about all this fat. Wish me luck please.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Just as I thought, when I weighed myself 3 days ago I was 188 ); BUT I didn't get discouraged, I just kept plowing on through with my workouts and somewhat nutritious food. And guess what! The next day I woke up as 187 :D its little but its only the first step! I couldn't weigh myself yesterday because I only got 2 hours of sleep because I was up all night studying. Sigh. But I still went out running and I came home feeling sooooo accomplished. I ran one mile and walked one mile so I burned up some calories (: on my runkeeper app, they have different kinds of training plans and I wanted to pick one for a 5k, but they all cost money so I went with the 10k one instead O: it looks waaaaay harder. But as long as I stick with it, I could be slipping on size 0 jeans in no time (: plus I gotta lose 30 pounds by Christmas because that's when my cuddle bear comes back hehe ^__^ I wanna be smoking hot for our sexy time (; haha I'm so happy. I really do love exercising, its just willpower that I lack :P anyway I got to get to bed, I can't wait until I can weigh myself in the morning! :D
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I don't know how much I weigh but it's probably close to the high 180's. sigh. now you guys are gonna have to hear me groan about the whole weight loss process all over again lol but it will be worth it when I finally reach my goal!! woooooo
staying positive even though it doesn't sound like it :D
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
We had an amazing time. We went to the beach, this beautiful outdoor mall, to the mountains, and other places too (: we spent his first day at the beach and we got so sunburn lol but we took care of each other and it was cute :3 I know its dumb to say but I honestly feel like we are meant to be. I dunno I just feel like its right, ya know?
I look like shit cause I'm sunburned in most of these pictures but we are still super cute C:
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Okay I'm blogging from my therapists waiting room, ironic eh? As of this morning I was 181.3 C: <-- that's a smiley face for those of you who don't spend your entire life online, like I do ): not that its a bad thing. Anyhow, I have progressed yet again with my weight loss so things are looking up. BUT its been hot as hell, no wait, I think hell is cooler than this shit weather. Today its 101. 101 fucking degrees. Thats Fahrenheit not celsius lol. God Damn I don't even know how to spell celcius? Don't judge me I'm dyslexic. No seriously I am. Whatever I'm happy that I've lost weight (: I honestly had to kick my own ass and practically threaten myself out of the front door to go exercise but in the end I did it :D because it's been so hot I've been going running and 6AM almost everyday with the exception of like the past two days. In my defense, I haven't been eating too much because of the extreme heat. I wanted today to be a fast day but I ate a mango and a piece of bread with butter and cheese, yes I know -___- don't even tell me.
So two days ago I purged. It wasn't that hard because I have weird nauseous reactions to heat but it was definitely intentional. Yea its bad but I dunno, I just felt like I needed to. Not promising it to be the last time either.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I'm starting to get the purge thoughts again. I haven't done it yet, but it's constantly there in the back of my mind. I think it's safer to just not eat anything until my boyfriend gets here. I know he's gonna want to pick me up at the train station and I don't want him to pass out in public because I'm too fucking fat to lift. I feel ashamed and pathetic. I feel like crying. I got a new top, jeggings, and a cute parka/cardigan and guess what? I look so fat in them. I dont even want to wear them in public. Oh and wanna hear something ironic? I got new exercise clothes to inspire myself to work out and THEY DON'T FUCKING FIT. I got them in a large "just in case" and they still don't fucking fit. I'm seriously getting emotional right now. The only thing I've eaten is a tiny spoon of chili beans that I made for my parents because I wanted to make sure that I seasoned them correctly. That's it. Not even 20 calories. I ran out of my trazodone and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep at night, that's how I'm able to go running at 6 am. I fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep through it. I've been doing my yoga lately too. OH and I'm on my fucking period.. how fucking great right? on the one hand I'm glad that I'm not pregnant, but on the other hand I really don't know how much I weigh because I gain weight on my period. Last time he saw me I was 177 so hopefully I don't look like a fucking whale. We all know how those few extra pounds look on us. I'm so fucking gross. okay the tea is called Mango Black Tea. I got it at trader joes and its delicious. Even the smell is delicious. I need my meds. I'll update tomorrow lovelies and sorry for the disappointing news.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Holy fuck. Honestly I have fallen off the wagon and been run over by a thousand people. That's how bad I've gotten. The past two days I've had a headache so I didn't eat that much but I still weigh like 170 - 180. But the reason I'm flipping the fuck out is because MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING DOWN FOR LABOR DAY WEEKEND. That's a fucking week away. One fucking week. I'm going to exercise every second I can and try not to eat that much. I need to look somewhat decent before he comes. I'll weigh myself in the morning.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Yesterday was an awful day emotionally but was under my calorie limit. I weighed 171 as of this morning and I know it was supposed to be a fast day BUT my mom took me to the beach and it is really hard to ignore food when you're sunburn to all hell. So I didn't fast, but I will tomorrow. And I'll just continue with the list of days from there. I'm so close to my first GW I can't wait!