Lalala

Okay I'm blogging from my therapists waiting room, ironic eh? As of this morning I was 181.3 C: <-- that's a smiley face for those of you who don't spend your entire life online, like I do ): not that its a bad thing. Anyhow, I have progressed yet again with my weight loss so things are looking up. BUT its been hot as hell, no wait, I think hell is cooler than this shit weather. Today its 101. 101 fucking degrees. Thats Fahrenheit not celsius lol. God Damn I don't even know how to spell celcius? Don't judge me I'm dyslexic. No seriously I am. Whatever I'm happy that I've lost weight (: I honestly had to kick my own ass and practically threaten myself out of the front door to go exercise but in the end I did it :D because it's been so hot I've been going running and 6AM almost everyday with the exception of like the past two days. In my defense, I haven't been eating too much because of the extreme heat. I wanted today to be a fast day but I ate a mango and a piece of bread with butter and cheese, yes I know -___- don't even tell me.
So two days ago I purged. It wasn't that hard because I have weird nauseous reactions to heat but it was definitely intentional. Yea its bad but I dunno, I just felt like I needed to. Not promising it to be the last time either.

Love, 
anamia

Alright

yesterday i was a grotesque 185.7. yes i know. fuck me right? but the past couple days I've forced myself to go out at 6 AM and run a mile. Today I weighed in at 184.4. It's not great but it's better than yesterday. I'm doing a drink fast. so far today I've only had 2 cups of black mango tea (i think that's what it's called) and a cup of cola. I'm steeping more tea right now. I feel angry. Angry at myself, at my body, at my parents, and this stupid fucking stomach and the human need to eat. I'm so fucking angry at myself. I hate my body, I hate myself.
I'm starting to get the purge thoughts again. I haven't done it yet, but it's constantly there in the back of my mind. I think it's safer to just not eat anything until my boyfriend gets here. I know he's gonna want to pick me up at the train station and I don't want him to pass out in public because I'm too fucking fat to lift. I feel ashamed and pathetic. I feel like crying. I got a new top, jeggings, and a cute parka/cardigan and guess what? I look so fat in them. I dont even want to wear them in public. Oh and wanna hear something ironic? I got new exercise clothes to inspire myself to work out and THEY DON'T FUCKING FIT. I got them in a large "just in case" and they still don't fucking fit. I'm seriously getting emotional right now. The only thing I've eaten is a tiny spoon of chili beans that I made for my parents because I wanted to make sure that I seasoned them correctly. That's it. Not even 20 calories. I ran out of my trazodone and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep at night, that's how I'm able to go running at 6 am. I fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep through it. I've been doing my yoga lately too. OH and I'm on my fucking period.. how fucking great right? on the one hand I'm glad that I'm not pregnant, but on the other hand I really don't know how much I weigh because I gain weight on my period. Last time he saw me I was 177 so hopefully I don't look like a fucking whale. We all know how those few extra pounds look on us. I'm so fucking gross. okay the tea is called Mango Black Tea. I got it at trader joes and its delicious. Even the smell is delicious. I need my meds. I'll update tomorrow lovelies and sorry for the disappointing news.

~xoxo anamia~

Holy fucking shit balls

Holy fuck. Honestly I have fallen off the wagon and been run over by a thousand people. That's how bad I've gotten. The past two days I've had a headache so I didn't eat that much but I still weigh like 170 - 180. But the reason I'm flipping the fuck out is because MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING DOWN FOR LABOR DAY WEEKEND. That's a fucking week away. One fucking week. I'm going to exercise every second I can and try not to eat that much. I need to look somewhat decent before he comes. I'll weigh myself in the morning. 

Yea...

So needless to say I fell off the bandwagon with the dieting and exercising and all that shit. But it's coming back. I keep feeling like I used to. With the suicidal thoughts and the "hey I should jump in front of a truck today" thoughts. Not only that but I had a pregnancy scare and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I haven't had my period since the week before I went to see my boyfriend, then I got a UTI, and then I was feeling all emotional (probably because of stress) not to mention I'm so fucking fat. But I bought pregnancy tests and I took one today and it was negative so I'm going to take the other one tomorrow and hopefully it will still be negative. 

The boyfriend has been in a bad mood since last night and he won't tell me why yet. Automatically my mind goes to the break up zone but I'm not sure so we'll see what happens. It's weird but I have the ability to kinda sense what other people are feeling, like I can sense whenever my boyfriends upset without him even telling me or even strangers sometimes. I think it's called an empath. No I'm not crazy I'm serious. Anyway so he said he was in a foul mood but I didn't push him into telling me. I feel so helpless because we're long distance. I wish I could lay with him and rub his back when he's sad. It hurts my heart. I think all this anxiety is making me sick. I've been sneezing non-stop and I have this gross cough. 

Imma go walking tonight. I love walking or running, it helps to clear my head. I haven't eaten anything yet so I'll post my intake and exercise later. Schools gonna start soon. Need to lose weight.