Sunday, May 11, 2014

Only eating tomato and lettuce salads today

Yesterday I was doing so good, I was functioning on 50 calories all day from my side garden salad and diet coke from mcdonalds with balsamic dressing. But of course Mother's Day which I completely forgot was today, a workday for my mom, so we celebrated last night my going to chili's bar and grill. I got a burger that came with homefries and immediately ordered a to go box. I cut everything in half, well not really I only ate 4 of the fries, but I cut the burger in half and got a diet coke with it. I figured that it wouldn't be THAT many calories, I mean it's just a burger right? WRONG. oh so wrong. After I had eaten half the fucking thing I tried to log it into myfitnesspal but no nutrition info came up, so I asked my waiter if he could bring me nutrition information and then went through this big hassle (my bad) of having to print it all up and bring it to me and do you know how many fucking calories are in the burger ALONE? 1550 fucking calories. Seriously. Do they cook their food in lard or something WTF. I was so glad that I had only eaten half of it but even half still pushed my calories sky high. I had never eaten at chili's before so I had no idea how fattening it was. To make matters worse, I was too tired to purge everything so I let that disgusting food soak into my body and I felt like such shit last night. I can't wait until my neighbor buys me smokes so that I won't need to eat at all anymore. I'm not even gonna weigh myself till tomorrow. Yesterday it was 192.6 and today I probably weigh 200 fucking pounds. I'm so pissed at myself. No food today except tomato and lettuce salad and maybe I'll do that for tomorrow too. Ugh I fucking hate myself. I'll post later if I can.

Saturday, May 10, 2014


Another two pounds gone! I've started purging more, everything I've eaten has gotten purged, except some strawberries. Yesterday when I was purging I got a sharp pain in my diaphragm and it hurt so bad I had to change positions and throw up another way. I feel lighter and it's such a good feeling. When I suck in my stomach you can see my ribs again. Today I walked another mile with my mom even though I was exhausted and not feeling too good; I got my ass out of bed and did it anyway. I feel accomplished now (: a little over a month and I should be looking way better than I do now.
I passed my permit test and I was so excited, however when they took my picture I look so horrendously fat. Good lord I look like a freaking heffer. My face was absolutely huge and you could see my double chin, I'm so disgusting. I'm totally grotesque. I need to lose as much weight as possible.

I wish you better luck lovelies


Thursday, May 8, 2014

Progress already!

My starting weight this time around was 198.4 I think, I say I think because I've been on my period for 2 1/2 weeks already, but we'll just say that's my starting weight. And now here I am at 196.2!! Yesterday I had only 500 cals and today I kinda went crazy and had 650 cals but I purged right after and haven't eaten since. I think it helps that I sleep all day, this way I only feel hungry for a few hours then get right back to sleep. Also I was looking at thinspo today and it is really inspiring me! I'm getting ready to take a shower then I'm going to go walking with my dog. Oh yea that reminds me, the past two days I've been walking my dog a mile and yesterday my net calorie intake was 360! Woohoo! It's so easy to slip back into this again, it fits like a glove. I set a minimum calories burned at 100 for my walks so anything over that is better. I have my permit test tomorrow And I'm so nervous, I can't wait two weeks to take it again if I fail because I'm leaving in a month, literally.
Please Pray for me y'all

I wish you pretty angels the best of luck on your journey



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I triggered myself?

Recently my depression has gotten way worse; I sleep 18 hours a day or so, I started cutting again, I'm starting to restrict again and all of this happened because I got high three days in a row and got cross-faded (drunk and high) on the first day. This stupid decision of mine completely wrecked my emotional guards and borders that I keep up to keep myself from feeling anything. I started crying and ever since then I have been so depressed. Okay well that's not everything. My cousin kind of molested me? The people I told said it was no big deal but they were men so I don't think their opinion matters.
Let me explain, I went to my big cousin J's house, where her (45-50) and her son (23) N live. I only went to see her because I don't really like N. I stayed there a few nights and on the second night, J and I started doing shots, and then N and I got high together. Now something you need to know is that N is high 24/7 that's not even an exaggeration. So I was beyond blackouts at this point, I can hardly remember most of the night honestly. But what I do remember is that I wanted to smoke another hit but he said that I would have to do something for it, I can't really remember and then like 5 minutes later or something I said that I wanted to get high and he took my hand and the next thing I knew I was fucking jerking him off?!?!? I don't fucking know how that happened because I blacked out but I remember going outside and getting high again. I was seriously fucked up and I don't even remember agreeing to anything! I just remember having this break in consciousness and all of a sudden I was in the laundry room with him and he was touching me and stuff so I don't know what the fuck happened. It was probably my fault or something but I don't remember anything and that freaks me out.
I'm moving in a month hopefully if my boyfriend doesn't change his mind. I pray that he doesn't change his mind, I would be completely devastated. I'm gonna try to restrict to 500-600 calories a day until I move and then I'll be too poor to buy food at all so that's good. Sorry I haven't been updating I had to delete blogger off my phone along with all this other stuff because I only have 6 gigs of memory in my iPhone -___- but I'm gonna be updating a lot more now that my life has gone to shit.

I hope you have a lovely day


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

193.2 (:

I know it's not a lot of weight for 4 days, but If I continue doing this then I'll be in the 180's in no time! Then the 170's and before you know it I'll be smashing that goal weight (: I can't wait to wear dresses and skirts and shorts and a bandeau top omg I'm excited. I hope that I can continue this while in college. I wonder what I'll look like in 5 months! :D lets say that I lose 5 pounds a week every week until June, that would be...too much weight lol. I'll probably go down to like 2-3 pounds a week as my body gets used to the food and then I'll have to start some exercise. So 3 pounds a week for approximately 20 weeks is 60 pounds!!! That's 20 away from my "goal weight" depending on how I Look I'll probably want to lose way more. I wonder how my boyfriend would react to seeing me that thin. The lowest weight I've been around him was 176-177 pounds. That was awful. But he still thought I was pretty even at my highest weight. He's a god send honestly I don't know what I would do without him. We've almost been together for 8 months now hehe ^___^ I can't wait to move in with him for college. He already got an apartment and the rent is only $500 a month!! So I'll be paying $250 for rent! Woohoo (: rent is so expensive here in the city so that's one of the reasons I'm moving 7 hours north into the country lol and of course to be with him <3 well lovelies I'll update more later (: wish me luck

Saturday, January 25, 2014


Today I'm gonna go to the park with my mom and walk the track that they have there and use their exercise equipment (for free) then I'm going to drive to walmart and pick up a new Nutrisystem box so I can continue my weight loss journey (: I only have the veggies during lunch and I don't eat the in between snacks that they tell us to because I want to save calories. 
Yesterday was the first time I drove on the freeway!! We went at 11:30pm so it wouldn't be too crowded and it was so much fun lol I don't have my license yet but I'm practicing so that I'll be ready (: I do fine driving on the streets but the freeway kind of gives me anxiety because everyone is going so fast. I need to break this fear so that I can move up north for college. I'll update y'all later (: and post a screenshot of my intake and exercise for the day. Here's to hoping (:

Thursday, January 23, 2014


I've lost 4.2 pounds so far guys! this morning I weighed in at 196.4 and that was only after 2 days on the diet! I think my stomach is shrinking because the portions are really small but I haven't been that hungry today. I even skipped my veggies with dinner tonight because I just wasn't that hungry. I save my dessert for later in the evenings because I know how I crave food at night. So far so good guys!
Onto a relationship rant now. I told you guys how my ex cheated on me right? like a few months ago. He promised me that he wouldn't see her anymore, but today he went to the library for an hour to help her with her homework (with my permission) and it drove me absolutely crazy because he didn't text me back until right now and I was going crazy worrying that they were fucking or something but he said that he went home after an hour and clean out his car and then went with his grandparents to go see the wolf on wall street or whatever. but part of me doesnt believe him? i dont know. I'm just crazy right now. I'll update you guys soon


Tuesday, January 21, 2014


Hello lovelies, my mom recently started the Nutrisystem meal plan, and she bought me a box so I that I could do it with her. It's a 5 day plan, and they give you your weeks worth of food and the meal calendar and it's like $40 for a weeks worth of food, but it's sooo delicious Ohmygod it's really good food. So far I've only done breakfast and lunch for today along with one of the snack options. The meals that they prepare are average out at 700 calories and there's a good amount of food. It comes with get breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert and youre supposed to have 2 vegetable servings with lunch and dinner. 1 serving is 1/2 cup cooked or 1 cup raw. So far it's going good. This morning I weighed 200.6 yea I know it's my new HW. Hopefully I'll lose weight on this meal plan.

Saturday, January 11, 2014


Venturing on and it feels good y'all. I'm also trying to take care of my skin so that when I'm skinny I'll be a bombshell (: I have a problem with blackheads that I've had since I was little and it sucks so I'm trying to get a clean pore face lol 
I haven't been able to sleep really because food is all I think about, especially at night which is when I tend to hover around the kitchen usually. So I end up falling asleep at like 7 am and sleep all day :/ it's so bad to sleep like this. I've been trying to drink 15 cups of water a day because that's what I need for my weight and it's been difficult to stay on top of that. But I'm trying so it's cool, I'll get there eventually. Slowly on my way to getting thin guys!!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Day one down.

I'm so excited! I didn't eat anything else for the day :D I wanted to eat more potatoes but I told myself no. I really want to lose that 80 pounds. I'm watching and reading and looking at trigger stuff to help me and I think I'm only gonna weigh in once a week because I don't want to get discouraged and get off track. I started up myfitnesspal again so I'll post a screenshot of my intake. 

Hopefully tomorrow is just as good!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Happy 2014 loves!!

Sorry I've been MIA (missing in action) for a bit. Life has been completely crazy for me. For starters my boyfriend came to see me and we spent 2 whole weeks together :3 it was a ton of fun until he had to leave < l 3 
Secondly I've made my New Years resolution to lose 80 pounds by this time next year! Sounds crazy I know, but I'm gonna try. 
And thirdly, the reason behind this resolution is that I'm at my highest weight ever at a staggering 199 pounds... That was a rude awakening for me. So far today I've eaten some roasted potatoes, rice, and a small steak and I drank like tons of water. 
I'm starting to watch that show Ruby to inspire me to keep going, along with supersize vs. super skinny. Let's hope for the best!