Saturday, October 22, 2011

its a long story...

this past week has say the least....a fucking dramatic disaster. first of all, i went the whole week thinking i was either dying or pregnant. cause i had all these weird ass symptoms. it turned out to be sleep deprivation/depression/acute reaction to stress/emotionally induced (i hope). i thought i was going through kidney failure. i think i might be a hypochondriac. not surprising really. so from what it looks like I'm not gonna make my Halloween goal. last time i checked i was 157. i most likely gained considering i haven't really been watching my food intake. today i went and dyed my hair brownish red. it was blonde before. and cut it really short. i also went walking with friends ALL DAY. so i got exercise in there. but I'll tell you guys what i used to look like.

i had blonde hair that went past my shoulders, my eyes change color from green/brown/hazel/to a really dark bluish grey, I'm considered short by most of my friends, i have a lot of freckles, i have long eyelashes and big eyes according to everyone i know, people always tell me they wish they had my eyes, i have smallish feet cause I'm a size 5/6 in US measurements, the skinniest part to me are my wrists, the only makeup i wear is black mascara (blonde eyelashes) and powdered foundation, i ALWAYS have my Ana bracelet and a rubber band on my wrist, i dress casually, and i have small ears.

those are the things that people notice when they look at me. now you know what i look like (: well i must go now. starve on stay strong my loves.


Monday, October 17, 2011


uhm what the fuck. I'm not complaining AT ALL but that number makes no sense to me. there is a process in which i start my fasts. first, i plan a binge. i know that if i plan a binge of exactly what i want I'm more likely to succeed in my fast. it lessens cravings and hunger pangs. the amount of food i eat during these binges is horrid, mind you. but it always works. so I'm not gonna be ashamed about the food i shoved down my esophagus because it was planned. so this is what i had yesterday.

a beef patty

Angus burger from McDonald's
and a diet coke and water

it doesn't look like that much all typed out but it made me want to explode. it was a lot of food. and then usually on the second day i try to stay below 800 calories, just to sort of wind down. and after all that food yesterday i weigh 160.2?!?! how did that happen? i don't know but I'm grateful.
so far today I've had approximately 764 calories. that's below 800 so I'm gonna stop there for the day. tomorrow I'm doing a max of 500 just to get my system ready for the juice/tea/diet coke/water fast. i know that i have to do this gradually. if not then i wont last longer than four days. I'm hoping to fast until Halloween so i can probably be 147 by then :D maybe even 145 ^____^ here's to hoping <3 stay skinny my loves

with love,

Saturday, October 15, 2011


these past two days have been a failure, in the sense that i ate like a normal teenager, not that i binged. yesterday i was at my friends house and she practically shoved poptarts down my throat. she tossed it to me and then i went to read the box and she took it away from me and said "don't read. just eat it and leave it" and then i was like "why can i just see it?" and she said "because you fainted. you don't need to know how fattening it is, just shove it down your throat and stop worrying" dammit. it totally ruined my total calories for the day. sigh. and then today i was planning a fast but my boyfriends family took me to the beach and we went shopping which involved. A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD. and its not like i could deny everything without causing suspicion, ya know? so i just made healthy choices (sorta) first we went to eat at a restaurant. i ordered a grilled cheese with a side of fruit instead of fries. but then they went candy shopping and bought me a soda and one of those rock candies. and then there was ice cream. and hot Cheetos. and i think that's it. but my friend came over this morning (the poptart one) and she made bacon and when i looked at the package she said "you're going to eat some" matter of factly like that. so i had one strip (35) and some green tea and a cup of juice (110) and then the beach messed everything up.
oh and the friend that insists upon shoving food down my throat is the one that said i was "too fat to fit on the couch" i think shes purposefully fucking with my progress because she knows I'm getting thinner.
oh and my period finally stopped and the title is my new weight. its not what i was aiming for but its better than the 168 i was yesterday and all last week -_______- so its progress :D if I'm going to be able to make my goal I'm gonna need to do a hardcore fast. I'm hoping i can make it! wish me luck.

stay skinny <3

with love,


Thursday, October 13, 2011


mmk. so. i had to eat normally today. meaning that the food i shoved through the black abyss that most people call a mouth, was fattening and plentiful. but i didn't binge. thank Ana. cause Ana is my god, hehe get it?
anyway. so when i got home from school around 12:30 (today was a minimum day) i went straight to the kitchen :/ i made myself a meat patty, potatoes, eggs, and i had a hamburger bun. but that was and is all I'm having for the rest of the day. I'll probably be fatter tomorrow. sigh. and yesterday was going great UNTIL i made myself eat a tomato for fear that i would faint....again. OH! i didn't tell you about that huh? so after i found out my mom was divorcing my father and that my boyfriend fell out of love with me (i found them out in the same week, lucky me) i had a total mental breakdown, which left me sobbing for two hours, then i fainted. and my mom got worried and took me to the doctor. he drew my blood and made me pee in a cup -__________- betch. so i did NOT want to do that again.

oh and Ive discovered something about myself. since i found out about my parents divorce i decided that i just....well to put it simply....i just don't give a fuck anymore. nothing phases me. on Monday i ditched. it was a rush. I've only ditched once before and that was p.e. but i was still in school. this time i didn't even go to school. i told my mother i was walking and then just walked aimlessly for an hour until it was safe to go home again. and then today i ditched second and third. so I'm having a love affair with teenage rebellion. i love how it feels. and before i was a pushover. MAJORLY. i would do ANYTHING for any of my friends and they knew that. I've been used countless times. but now, now I'm just....i dunno. I'm a new person. i tell it like it is and i don't care if they don't like it. I'm not mean. not by far. everyone says I'm too nice for my own good. i was also a goody goody. emphasis on WAS. but a couple of my friends have asked for advice since i changed and before i used to curve the edges but this time i just told them straight up what i thought. they loved my advice. it shocked them at first but it made them think and realize i was right. since i found out about my mothers lies, i disowned her. yes i know..."always love your mother, you only get one blahblahblah" point is. you don't know my mother. shes emotionally and physically abusive and doesn't give a shit about anyone. especially me. shes told me countless times shes hated me, she even threw a shoe at my face once.
back to Ana. I'm starting to see more bones :D today i can see two more ribs and my collarbone is sticking out prominently. happy progress. hehe I'm getting somewhere but it wont show up on the scale. i hate this complicated body cycle.
p.s. i think I'm dying. Ive had my period going on two weeks. no wonder i feel so faint. this isn't normal, especially for my cycle. i usually don't get it this much or this heavy. I'm pretty sure I'm hemorrhaging somewhere intestinally. oh well.
stay skinny, sorry this wasn't an entire post dedicated to Ana :/ i just need a place to vent EVERYTHING going on in my life, ya know?

starve on skinny minnies,


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

hello hello hello (:

okay so I'm still on my period. i think I'm dying. I've been on it for like 1 1/2 weeks already >.< (sigh) okay but I'm in a wayyyy happier mood today then yesterday. first of all, i haven't eaten all day today (a full meal) and i barely realized it right now. and second of all, my boyfriend...we'll call him F. F has really been trying to prove himself to me as of late. was the first time I've seen him since i found out about his lies on Monday. since Monday we've just been communicating on the phone and facebook. and he couldn't come over yesterday because he has the flu so he had to stay home and his dad wouldn't let him have company. so he came over today with a sore throat, phlegmy cough, chest pains, and full on exhaustion just for me. OH. and did i mention that he waited OUTSIDE, in 90 degree weather, FOR AN HOUR, just for me to get home? he did that all for me <3 but while walking home from school it gave me a lot of time to think about how he basically used me for sexual favors and stuff even though he didn't love me. so i was just some whore he wanted to give him handjobs without any emotional attachment. it made me feel worthless hehe. then he put in south park and cuddled with me on the couch. he wouldn't let me get up because he didn't want me to leave his side :D he just kissed my forehead while we watched TV and kept me wrapped in his arms. my head was laying on his chest, it felt exactly like when we first started dating, new and gooey in love ya know? but i told him that i couldn't fully believe that he loved me yet. then we talked about what happened between us and stuff. i found out that he absolutely did NOT cheat on me. thank god. i was worrying about that all day. he kept coughing when we were laying down so i made him some chicken noodle soup and tea :3 i realized i was sort've a bitch to him lately so I'm trying to improve my attitude a little. when i got up to make him tea he didn't want me to leave the couch because he was scared i wouldn't come back lol. he said he was writing me a letter and making me something in mindcraft. in august he made me a sign that said "i love....J" it really said my name but i don't want my name on the blog so i inserted J instead, he made me that sign on mindcraft and uploaded it to facebook. hes such a noob :P i hope everything goes okay. he talks about our future. i hope the future is set in stone (even though everyone thinks it isn't)
okay enough with my personal life today. i found this quote i thought you might like.

"starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything okay, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust."

and this one

"There will always be another Oreo, another bowl of cereal, another casserole. I do not have to eat it now. It will just make me fat."

hope i thinspired you <3

stay strong my lovely skinnies,

with love,

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

boyfriends, best friends, and mothers. (liars, saviors, and bitches)

the following was originally posted 10/11/2011
so these past couple days have been the most emotion days of my entire life. i have never cried so much before. basically my life is shit. its sorta getting better but not really. so it started off by finding out my mother has been secretly flirting with this cockpop named "David" and shes planning on divorcing my dad, oh and did i mention that my dad has no idea any of this is going on? yea that's why shes the bitch from the title. i was in denial about the whole divorce thing pretending like it wasn't happening but today she said she wanted to divorce him and over and over and over in my head i kept saying "this isn't real" etc. but when i found out on Saturday what that whore was up to i called my boyfriend and vented to him and he didn't really seem interested :/ but i disregarded it and kept talking. and then yesterday we were hanging out and hes been a total dick this week ya know? so he didn't want to sit on the couch with me so he sat on the other one. and he was just being really mean. and he used my phone to go on facebook. and told me to sign off for him (i didn't) and when he left i looked at his messages and my heart shattered into a bagillion pieces. he messaged his friend on Friday and he was like "dude i need your help its an emergency" and his friend was like "oh fuck what is it?" and he said "I'm losing feelings for my gf and I'm thinking about breaking up with her" THAT WAS ON FRIDAY, WE HUNG OUT ALL FUCKING WEEKEND AND HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND SHIT AND HE KISSED AND HUGGED ME TOO. WHATTHEFUCK. but wait. it gets way worse. after i started crying and having a total mental breakdown i called my best friend and she was listening while i cried and then i called my guy friend X and he listened while i cried and told me "hes a fucking asshole. he doesn't realize how great of a person you are're beautiful. so fuck him if he doesn't realize that. you know what you need to do? invite him to your house, nutcheck him as hard as you can, then kick his ass outside and lock the door." he made me laugh and he called me beautiful :3 but i still kept crying and shit so i called my best friend and i was just sobbing into the phone and she was trying to comfort me which is why X and my best friend,,,,we'll call her A are the saviors in the title. but unfortunately i was so depressed i took 22 pills i found in my moms stuff. benadryl and some heartburn medication. and I'm not even fucking joking i LITERALLY felt death. i felt my heart stop and everything. it felt amazing though. wow i sound mentally ill. oh well. and the only thing that saved me was that i threw up in the sink. because it made me really nauseated. after i threw up i went to lay down and my boyfriend messaged me "hey" so i put "hi" and i had updated my facebook status to "because the guy that promised you forever really meant never, and when he said he would always love you, he lied" and i guess he saw that. but i fell asleep before i received his reply lol so he was like "whats with your status" and when i didn't reply he sent me a million more messages which i didn't see cause i was asleep :P and then he called me and i woke up and he was like "hey what are you doing?" and in my head i was like (oh please you don't love me anymore you stupid fucker why do you care) but instead i was like "you lost your feelings for me?" and he was like "how did you know?" and i said "you left your facebook open" and he said "I TOLD YOU TO SIGN OUT" and i said "i tried but it said error message" (lie) and then he was like "well i don't know" and i said "you don't love me anymore?" and he said he didn't know so i said i had to go and he begged me not to cause he wanted to talk still so we talked a little but as you know i was completely drugged out and couldn't even move my arms or legs cause they felt so heavy. but he said he had to go (obviously to think about us) and then he called back ten minutes later and i asked him what he was doing and he said " (insert my name here) i realized that i really do love you" and i asked if that was true and he said "yes i really really do love you ( me J) and I'm so so sorry i put you through all of this. i promise I'll never do it again. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. i love you" he sounded sincere so i forgave him. then i fell asleep after he said i love you a million more times (x hehe. but then, today i logged onto his facebook and saw that he told his OTHER friend on OCTOBER 4TH that he didn't love me anymore and that he was only with me because he promised not to break up with me. but he told him that he was gonna be a total dick to me so that I WOULD BREAK UP WITH HIM, so he could keep his promise to me. this was the morning after i forgave him too :/ so i had a total breakdown (again) and you know the ugly cry? the one that makes you sound like a dying whale and makes your face crumple so you look like a fucking retard? yepp that's the one. i was crying and clutching my chest saying "ow it hurts" over and over and i totally trashed my room. i threw all my books out of the shelves and just completely demolished it. my heart was broken twice in two days by one person. how fucked is that? that's why hes the liar from the title. i realized that every i love you, every kiss, every hug, every cuddle was a lie and it broke me. i sobbed out all the built up shit that I've been bottling up over the past couple of years. and now i feel cleansed and ready to get back on track with Ana. i can do this, i will do this. for those of you who are wondering, my boyfriend and i are still together. i told him about my mental breakdown and he apologized profusely for causing me so much pain. he said he never wanted to hurt me like that again. I'm not going to fully trust him or fall for him until i know for sure hes in this for good. I'll take it one step at a time. i still love him a lot but I'm not gonna show it all just yet. for a while I'm going to let him be the one to start coming to me. I'm not gonna initiate the holding of hands, kissing, sex, i love yous, until i know hes the real deal. i will not let him hurt me again. I'm better than that. stay strong.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

2nd post of the day :D

okay so today has been going great, so far I've only had 385 calories. but they're all liquid cals so its okay. i still need to go running/walking and do my other exercises. the main reason i decided to blog again is because i have an entire collection of thinspo/inspiration photos in my phone that i downloaded off of google. its taken me a little over 5 months to gather all of these photos. i believe there's well over 200. I'm planning on posting all of them on my blog in pieces titled "mobile thinspiration part 1, 2...." and so on until i upload every single photo. trust me you're gonna be amazed at how much thinspo i have downloaded in my phone. its taken me ALL day long to send the photos to my email and then save them to my computer, i have to send them in increments of 10 photos per message or else it wont send :/ but that's okay cause i want you to see my collection (: the other reason I'm sending them to my computer is because i want to print some out and tape them to my wall. i have a couple photos i tore out of magazines but there aren't enough to really thinspire me. so I'm printing more. i still haven't finished sending all the photos to my computer. I'm only half done. hmm i should get back to that. its a good distraction from food. stay skinny.

p.s. they're all different kinds of thinspo, collarbone, thighs, stomach, arms...etc. a different photo for every inspiration.



so i haven't been able to post because my mom caught the cold so shes been staying home pretty much all week. my computer is in her room and she was in there 24/7 so i wasn't able to blog :/ sorry. uhm these past days have been "normal." as in normal eating. my mom, 2 best friends, and boyfriend have been coming over every single day so i have to eat normally. but then i go out for a run or walk around 7pm - 9pm depending on what I'm doing at the time. usually i go jogging or brisk walking at 7:30pm though. especially now, because its been freezing over here lately. it was pouring rain and stuff so i went jogging in shorts and a baggy shirt. i love the cold weather. i love to exercise in the cold weather. because you're burning more calories than you would when its warm. because the cold weather lowers your body temperature so its working to get it back up AND you're exercising at the same time? that's a lot of calories you're burning. so i still cant weigh myself cause my period is still here ]: this is disappointing. I've also been taking really cold showers lately. the kind that make you breathe in little gasps because its so cold. yepp those burn 100 calories per degree your body temperature goes down. yesterday i got a good kick in the ass (verbally) that made me really REALLY want to get down to my ugw of 98 pounds. i was laying on the couch with my boyfriend and he pushed me off (jokingly) and my best friend came in and was like "you guys are gonna kill each other one day" and i was laughing and i was like "he pushed me off the couch" and she said "cause you're too fat to fit on it" and i didn't want to get all defensive because i hate conflict as much as i hate being a fat ass so i just started laughing and my boyfriend like gasped when she said that cause he expected me to get mad but when i started laughing he smiled. so now i really wanna get down to my ugw of 98 pounds. so that i can show her who's the skinny one. and so that she can be the fat ass. its just motivating to me when people comment on my weight. its like "watch in a couple months I'm gonna be skin and bones and you're gonna be a tub of lard" anyway. i tried to figure out mobile blogging so that i can blog while my moms home but it didn't work for shit. so I'm sorry. after all the food yesterday i took my laxative tea and its working....if you know what i mean. i noticed today when i was looking in the mirror that if i suck in my stomach then lift my arms you can see my ribs :D that made my day and now i don't feel like eating. oh! and did i tell you my moms on a diet now? she can never let me have anything to myself. fuck. I wanted to lose weight and then she decides that I'm a good motivator and wants to do it with me. but of course shes better at it. shes reading this diet book and she says that it really helps. apparently because shes lost about 13 pounds and i don't even know how much i lost. shes only been on the diet for like 1 1/2 weeks. i normally wouldn't mind her going on a diet with me but she keeps bragging about her success and its starting to piss me off. she keeps telling me how her new diet works because she doesn't get hungry throughout the day and she has to force herself to eat a little something cause she doesn't get hungry. while shes telling me this I'm thinking about everything i ate that day and it makes me feel like shit. its like I'm glad shes losing weight and stuff but STOP PREACHING YOUR SUCCESS. when I'm on my period i have no control over what i eat. so i eat a lot. and she knows but she keeps telling me over and over how people are noticing that shes losing weight when no one notices that i am. not even at school. not even my closest friends notice. it makes me feel like i failed. I'm definitely fasting for as long as i can. i WILL be skinny.
stay starving.

with love,

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

another average day....

okay so i felt extremely faint today. like i seriously was dizzy and disoriented, same meaning? i dunno. anyway. i was walking to sixth period and i got this feeling like i didn't know where i was or where i was going or what i was doing, ya know? so yea and then i had to walk up two flights of stairs to get to my class and i was gripping the rail so tight my knuckles went white. i thought i was gonna fall. seriously. so when school was over i had a small bowl of rice and chicken. it was justified because i don't want to cause worry until I'm thin as a rail. so.....then i came home. with my friend. who brought whipped cream....for cupcakes....that I WANTED TO FUCKING MAKE. all i could think the entire time was don't do it I'm hungry DON'T i want to taste the sweet sugar on my tongue NO yes too much wasted progress, so in the end i had TWO, not ONE but TWO fucking cupcakes, each approximately 200 calories. TWO HUNDRED FUCKING CALORIES PER ITTY BITTY CUPCAKE. what the fuck is this shit? and my boyfriend and one of my best friends were at my house so i started freaking out even more cause i knew they thought i was a fucking fat cow for eating two. even though they ate more than me i still probably looked like a fucking failure to them. (they know I'm on a "diet" not that I'm starving myself) so i went to pee in the bathroom and i was looking in the mirror and felt so ashamed that i purged everything into the sink. but i didn't purge the rice and chicken because i was scared it would clog the drain. oh and they didn't hear anything because i turned the music up really loud. i have officially mastered the art of purging without sticking my fingers down my throat. all i have to do is gag and it all comes up. does that deserve a congratulations? i have no idea. and then because i was scared i would still get fat, i probably will. i wouldn't be surprised if i woke up 10 pounds heavier. i went for a mile run (roughly) it felt amazing. like i was flying. it was like i was free. hehehe i love to run. unless its during p.e. cause i HATE jiggling in front of people. so running while people are watching is a nono in my book. which is why i always walk or power walk. i hate it when my cheeks jiggle, its depressing. so i flex my face muscles when i run. and then i did 50 jumping jacks and came inside. not the best workout I've done but i have cross country running tomorrow so I'll make up for it then. unfortunately I'm not able to weigh myself (i have my monthly) and my weight always goes to shit during this time. like this morning i woke up 4 pounds heavier and then i took a shower and when i weighed myself after i lost 3 pounds. so screw that. I'm gonna weigh myself the day after it stops to see my final weight. i feel like a fat ass. although my legs have toned a bit and my stomach is sort've shrinking. OMG some guy poked my stomach and asked if I've been working out because it felt skinnier. made my day. people are noticing. it encourages me to keep going. and i noticed my collar bones stick out a little more today than yesterday and i told my friend to look and she gave me this sorta jealous look and said "i hate that" and i asked why and she said "just because i dunno" so i think she was jealous because you can see my collar bones and not hers. shes a little on the chubby side but has the skinniest legs ever. so jealous of her. shes super pretty. she claims shes not. i think she knows how pretty she is and is bullshitting everyone to get sympathy. the thing with anorexia is that it causes you to be blunt honest with people about the shit they pull. but when it comes to eating or not eating you lie your ass off. that's the circle of life though, right? stay skinny.



p.s. my stomach growled through this entire post. whoooop for progress!!!! i love this hungry feeling. it makes me feel alive.

Monday, October 3, 2011

okay day

so today i ran a mile during p.e. well jogged/power walked it since it was a bagillion degrees outside. but I'm so proud of myself because when i was jogging i really wanted to take a break and walk but instead i pep talked myself. but with negative words. i said "you really want to jiggle forever?" and when i was about to start walking i was like "jigglejigglejigglejigglejiggle" over and over in my head and i finished it by running :D so yay for victory. but after school i went to my friends house like always and my stomach was growling so loud that i had to eat rice and chicken but i wont eat anything else for the rest of the evening and maybe I'll go out and jog or do some jump rope. i have a lot of history research to do for world history and its frustrating me. its worth 4 grades and we have until Thursday to finish it. shes a bitch. nuff said. her name is ms. Castro. freaking twat man. during fourth period (after p.e.) i wrote myself a letter about how disappointed i was in myself. i do that a lot. i find it inspirational when I'm tempted to eat. the letter is as follows:
warning: this letter is typed exactly as written, no changes have been made.,                                                                                                        10-3

congratulations, you're a fat ass. you couldn't even run a mile without stopping to walk. you're so out of shape its disgusting. you should be ashamed. you look at other girls and envy their toothpick legs, while you gorge yourself with food. pathetic. you cant reach success if you don't bother trying. your plan is to drink water, maybe milk, and tea. NO FOOD. don't you want to be 130- 147 by Halloween? i believe in you. I'm proud of your pep talks during your run. i like how you started thinking negative when you thought about walking. you told yourself the truth. you are a fat piece of shit whose thighs jiggle and whose only talent is stuffing your face. that is true.don't you want to be someone elses thinspo? someone elses inspiration? don't you want to freely tell people how much you weigh and watch the jealousy burn through their retinas? don't you want strangers to ask you how you get so skinny? don't you want your pants to fit you loose? don't you want your new pants to slide up easily? don't you want to fit into children's clothes? don't you want people to secretly say your too skinny behind your back? don't you want to be able to try on clothes in front of your friends? don't you want to see bone? don't you want your hip bones to stick out and your knees to be bigger than your thighs? don't you want your mom to be proud of you? don't you want to be her inspirational role model? don't you want to wear a slutty costume on Halloween and feel proud? don't you want to fit into anything and look good? don't you want to worry the doctors? don't you want to have 0% body fat? don't you want to be beautiful? don't you want to feel the rush and burning sensation of not eating? isn't it a great feeling? stop eating. get skinny. its an equation you know works, you've done it before you can do it again. make me and all the people who think you cant do it jealous. "i knew you wouldn't last" "you're not gonna make it" "you ALWAYS say your gonna diet" *laughter of people who think you're a failure* make them EAT their words. i believe in you.

                                                                                                 the skinny bitch inside.

i find that writing down all my inner thoughts makes them more official. all those voices inside your head make sense on paper and its thinspirational. stay skinny.

with <3


Sunday, October 2, 2011

stories and lies

so my mother was surprised about my vast knowledge of anorexia and dieting. shes on a diet now and shes encouraging me in my "diet" too. she asked me what i was doing to lose weight and i told her i restrict what i eat and that i exercise and she was so proud of me i was amazed. my mother has never been proud of me for anything except losing weight. being fat herself, shes been dieting off and on since i was born. she says that before i came along she was skinny and then i ruined it. nice women eh? after me she started eatingeatingeating and gained like 40 pounds. she weighs 190. everyone i ask says i look like i weigh 120-130, i wonder what they would do if they knew how much i really weighed. probably flip a shit. a year and a half ago i really got into anorexia...i think that's when i started this blog. i really have to watch what i say around people. this morning when i was giving my mother diet tips to try and be helpful she asked me how i knew so much about anorexia and i told her that it was for a book i started righting a year and a half ago. which isn't a total lie. i started writing a book about an anorexic girl to distract myself from the hungry i felt daily. it was also used as insurance because i could freely talk about anorexia and blame my knowledge on the book. high five for genius ideas. i only added stuff to the book when my mother was around or when i was about to break a fast. i made sure she knew about it so it could be my future alibi. it also allowed me to visit pro ana sites and fasting tips for anorexia without having to delete my history afterwords. i never finished my book though. why would i? its not like i was really gonna get it published or anything. after i reminded her about the book this morning she said she was glad i never finished it because i scared her during that time, she said she didn't want me taking on any of the traits i put in that book. if only she knew. anyway....
my progress has screeched to a stop because yesterday my mother was off and she bought pizza and my boyfriend was there too and i was forced to eat 2 slices pepperoni (580) 3 slices sausage (840) 1 slice mushroom w/black olives (330) 3 bowls special k w/ whole milk (770) that's roughly 2520 - 2600 calories for yesterday. when i calculated all of that i cried. and cried. and cried some more. and this morning wasn't any better i had 1 slice pepperoni (290) 1 slice mushroom (330) and 1 bowl special k w/whole milk (270) that totals to 920 calories. and its not even 1 o'clock. I'm gonna jump rope until i faint and run around my block and do squats and jumping jacks and push ups and sit ups and planks and anything i can until those numbers go away. I'm not even getting close to a scale until Thursday or Friday. i cant let myself see the numbers. it will break me. I'm doing a water fast until Thursday then a drink fast until i cant take it anymore. thinspire me please. I'm gonna print out thinspiration on my computer and put them on my bedroom walls. i already have some up. lets hope for the best.

stay strong, don't follow my horrid example

w/ <3


Saturday, October 1, 2011

progress after failure....

soooo....i gained weight ALL THE WAY TO MY FUCKING STARTING WEIGHT because I'm a fat pig. but I've recently gotten back on track and am currently 165.2 that is a total of 10 pounds that i lost in.....4-5 days. my goal is to get down to 130 or 147 by October 31st. i wanna be able to wear a slutty Halloween costume without my jiggly thighs taking up an entire room. if i don't make my goal i cannot go out with friends. so i have been restricting A LOT, like the first two days i had breakfast cause it was a weekend and then i ate a small snack for lunch and no dinner and waterwaterwater all day long. then the next two days i fasted but i didn't restrict the drinks i drank milk for protein, water, and diet coke. and i exercised a lot. i went on walks and hula hooped and p.e. of course so that's a lot of running and volleyball. and yesterday i was at 166 when i woke up and i had to eat cause it was my moms day off and she doesn't cook for shit so it was fast food but i did good, i order a half size spicy Caesar salad from Wendy's but i took out the chicken and cheese and had no dressing or croutons so pretty much just lettuce and tomatoes. but then i was depressed because my boyfriend was being annoying and hurt my feelings so i broke and ordered a chocolate shake and fries from Carl's Jr. {insert disappointed face here} then i purged (my second time in 4-5 days) and i know i didn't get all of it out but then i hula hooped (or tried too) and i woke up 2 pounds skinnier so that's good. but i need to drink more water. hopefully i can go for a long walk today. oh and yesterday i was tempted by Chinese food like OMFG the smell was intoxicating cause i was at my friends house and they order a lot of Asian food and i was gonna cave, i was literally salivating about it and i was waiting for my boyfriend to walk to my house so i decided to walk down my block and wait for him for half an hour instead of stay in the midst of temptation so i did good :D and i was drinking powerade to replenish my lost electrolytes. hope you stay skinny.

with <3