Sunday, May 11, 2014

Only eating tomato and lettuce salads today

Yesterday I was doing so good, I was functioning on 50 calories all day from my side garden salad and diet coke from mcdonalds with balsamic dressing. But of course Mother's Day which I completely forgot was today, a workday for my mom, so we celebrated last night my going to chili's bar and grill. I got a burger that came with homefries and immediately ordered a to go box. I cut everything in half, well not really I only ate 4 of the fries, but I cut the burger in half and got a diet coke with it. I figured that it wouldn't be THAT many calories, I mean it's just a burger right? WRONG. oh so wrong. After I had eaten half the fucking thing I tried to log it into myfitnesspal but no nutrition info came up, so I asked my waiter if he could bring me nutrition information and then went through this big hassle (my bad) of having to print it all up and bring it to me and do you know how many fucking calories are in the burger ALONE? 1550 fucking calories. Seriously. Do they cook their food in lard or something WTF. I was so glad that I had only eaten half of it but even half still pushed my calories sky high. I had never eaten at chili's before so I had no idea how fattening it was. To make matters worse, I was too tired to purge everything so I let that disgusting food soak into my body and I felt like such shit last night. I can't wait until my neighbor buys me smokes so that I won't need to eat at all anymore. I'm not even gonna weigh myself till tomorrow. Yesterday it was 192.6 and today I probably weigh 200 fucking pounds. I'm so pissed at myself. No food today except tomato and lettuce salad and maybe I'll do that for tomorrow too. Ugh I fucking hate myself. I'll post later if I can.

Saturday, May 10, 2014


Another two pounds gone! I've started purging more, everything I've eaten has gotten purged, except some strawberries. Yesterday when I was purging I got a sharp pain in my diaphragm and it hurt so bad I had to change positions and throw up another way. I feel lighter and it's such a good feeling. When I suck in my stomach you can see my ribs again. Today I walked another mile with my mom even though I was exhausted and not feeling too good; I got my ass out of bed and did it anyway. I feel accomplished now (: a little over a month and I should be looking way better than I do now.
I passed my permit test and I was so excited, however when they took my picture I look so horrendously fat. Good lord I look like a freaking heffer. My face was absolutely huge and you could see my double chin, I'm so disgusting. I'm totally grotesque. I need to lose as much weight as possible.

I wish you better luck lovelies


Thursday, May 8, 2014

Progress already!

My starting weight this time around was 198.4 I think, I say I think because I've been on my period for 2 1/2 weeks already, but we'll just say that's my starting weight. And now here I am at 196.2!! Yesterday I had only 500 cals and today I kinda went crazy and had 650 cals but I purged right after and haven't eaten since. I think it helps that I sleep all day, this way I only feel hungry for a few hours then get right back to sleep. Also I was looking at thinspo today and it is really inspiring me! I'm getting ready to take a shower then I'm going to go walking with my dog. Oh yea that reminds me, the past two days I've been walking my dog a mile and yesterday my net calorie intake was 360! Woohoo! It's so easy to slip back into this again, it fits like a glove. I set a minimum calories burned at 100 for my walks so anything over that is better. I have my permit test tomorrow And I'm so nervous, I can't wait two weeks to take it again if I fail because I'm leaving in a month, literally.
Please Pray for me y'all

I wish you pretty angels the best of luck on your journey



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I triggered myself?

Recently my depression has gotten way worse; I sleep 18 hours a day or so, I started cutting again, I'm starting to restrict again and all of this happened because I got high three days in a row and got cross-faded (drunk and high) on the first day. This stupid decision of mine completely wrecked my emotional guards and borders that I keep up to keep myself from feeling anything. I started crying and ever since then I have been so depressed. Okay well that's not everything. My cousin kind of molested me? The people I told said it was no big deal but they were men so I don't think their opinion matters.
Let me explain, I went to my big cousin J's house, where her (45-50) and her son (23) N live. I only went to see her because I don't really like N. I stayed there a few nights and on the second night, J and I started doing shots, and then N and I got high together. Now something you need to know is that N is high 24/7 that's not even an exaggeration. So I was beyond blackouts at this point, I can hardly remember most of the night honestly. But what I do remember is that I wanted to smoke another hit but he said that I would have to do something for it, I can't really remember and then like 5 minutes later or something I said that I wanted to get high and he took my hand and the next thing I knew I was fucking jerking him off?!?!? I don't fucking know how that happened because I blacked out but I remember going outside and getting high again. I was seriously fucked up and I don't even remember agreeing to anything! I just remember having this break in consciousness and all of a sudden I was in the laundry room with him and he was touching me and stuff so I don't know what the fuck happened. It was probably my fault or something but I don't remember anything and that freaks me out.
I'm moving in a month hopefully if my boyfriend doesn't change his mind. I pray that he doesn't change his mind, I would be completely devastated. I'm gonna try to restrict to 500-600 calories a day until I move and then I'll be too poor to buy food at all so that's good. Sorry I haven't been updating I had to delete blogger off my phone along with all this other stuff because I only have 6 gigs of memory in my iPhone -___- but I'm gonna be updating a lot more now that my life has gone to shit.

I hope you have a lovely day