Monday, March 28, 2016

Easter festivities

Hey everyone, sorry I didn't update sooner, I had a rough day on Friday and decided to skip on work again. Saturday was bat-shit insane at work, I work retail and apparently everyone waits until Saturday to buy Easter clothes. It was a mad house, I was closing and we were there until midnight, even though we were only scheduled until 11:30pm. We didn't even get to finish fixing everything because it was such a disaster. 

People are starting to get on my case about missing so much work, the thing with my depression though is that I just don't care. I give zero fucks about what's happening around me, I wouldn't even care if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, honestly. I'd probably be more grateful than anything else. 

I actually didn't gain as much as I thought I did, I weighed in at 224.8 on Friday. My highest was around 227. During my hiatus, I fluctuated from 226 to 227 so seeing 224 is actually somewhat of a relief. 

Yesterday was Easter, I tried not to eat too much because I don't need to gain any more weight. My mom made ham and Mac and cheese and some roasted vegetables. I ate some ham and Mac and cheese but the vegetables weren't my cup of tea. There's never any flavor to them when she makes them that way. The rest was good though. I need to stop drinking soda, I feel like it's really affecting my health in a negative way. I'm exhausted, I think I'm heading to bed now, it's 5am lol 

Have a good day everyone (: 


Friday, March 25, 2016

Why I've been absent...

So, I don't know if any of you know this, I think it's kind of obvious tbh but I suffer from really bad depression. Lately, I've been going through a very hard time, depression wise. I've been skipping out on work, I dropped out of spring quarter for college, I've been a complete mess and I've just been dealing with fucking up my life and all of that good stuff. 

I do still have my gym membership, but to be honest, I haven't gone in a month. I was going with my friend but she moved to a different state, so now I only see her when she visits and then we go together. I do like going, I like working out but I just haven't been motivated to even get out of fucking bed in the morning (more like afternoon.) my depression has been so bad that I ended up cutting again. I haven't cut in a year or so but it just felt like.... relief? Like I released all of the pent up shit that I had been holding in. 

I feel like a switch has been flipped in my head and now I don't want to eat anything, or I could always purge. I don't want to be a fat miserable fuck anymore. I tried eating healthy while I was away but it sucks. It would be way easier if I lived by myself because I just wouldn't buy all that fattening shit that my dad buys. Honestly, if it's there, I'm going to eat it. Without a doubt. I have zero self control. I wish they wouldn't fucking buy all the shitty chips and soda and sweets. It makes it so hard. I'm gonna try to do a "warm up" fast, but I'm not making any promises because I do have to work tomorrow and Saturday and I don't want to be all loopy. I might just fast through the day and then have a small meal before I go to bed. 

I'm seriously so sick of this shit. I haven't weighed myself in forever but I'm 100% sure that I've gained since my last post. I'm disgusting. 

The only time I ever truly truly felt sheer joy, just when I hit 139 pounds before high school. Seeing those numbers go down and breaking that plateau was probably the most amazing feeling! I'm leaving you guys with a motivational quote to kick your ass into gear (:

Update you tomorrow!