Monday, November 25, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Yesterday I said "fuck" in front of my therapist without realizing it. I feel dirty now. I never really swore in front of my therapist so it made me cringe when it just slipped out like that. I've been accidentally/ "accidentally" restricting the past two days. I sleep all day, so yesterday when I woke up it was like 1 in the afternoon and my therapist appt. was at 5:30 so I had to leave by 4:30 and I still had to do laundry and shower and stuff so I just skipped eating. I drank some apple cinnamon tea though. But boy did I feel the repercussions, I live in a huge city that everyone has heard of, so when it's 4:30 that's rush hour traffic. So my dad had to constantly brake and go brake and go brake and go, so it made me incredibly nauseous and I had a terrible headache (this happens regularly when my bloodsugar gets too low, I think) so I felt awful and every time I looked down to change the song on my phone I felt the intense urge to puke everywhere. My therapist gave me a power bar which helped me for a bit and when I got home I had chicken soup and toast. That's it. I don't know how much I weigh this morning and I didn't get nearly enough sleep to get an accurate reading so after I get a nap in then I'll weigh myself.
I can sleep because I'm so hungry. My bones hurt and feel jumpy at the same time. I had to wake up at 6:50 today and I didn't even sleep until 3 am because I was starving. But I didn't eat. That's all that matters right? School is stressful. I feel so out of control. There's literally nothing that is in my hands and my hands alone. I need to clean my room and sleep and wait for my boyfriend to come down tomorrow. I need to be hugged and I need his warm cuddles.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this obese monstrosity staring back at me. I want to carve all of the fat off my body. But I can't because it will scar. That's the only thing that's stopping me. I want to be thin and beautiful not thin and horribly disfigured. I'll shut up now and post some thinspo. I've got a small variety since all my other photos are stuck in my old phone. I'll have to look into getting them out. I'll update later today or tomorrow. Until then my chickies (:
EDIT: I actually posted this several days ago but barely noticed right now that the publishing failed. I'm sorry to keep you guys waiting!!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
I know its been a while but I've been thinking about you guys almost everyday. I failed again. I know I know you're probably tired of hearing me repeat it over and over. I have less than a month, thanksgiving break to be exact, to lose 20 lbs. My boyfriend is coming for thanksgiving and I need to lose all the extra fat that I've accumulated these past couple months. I'm gonna do a water,tea and coffee fast today.
Oh I started cutting again. But not really because I was emotional, I just missed it. I know that makes me sound looney but I missed how it felt, like a release. I actually bought an exacto knife for the sole purpose of using it to cut. I'm a total loon.
This morning I weighed in at 194.4 lbs. That means in the three years+ that I've been at this I've only lost 2 lbs. Two fucking pounds. I need to stop filling my body with garbage and do something about all this fat. Wish me luck please.