Friday, March 25, 2016

Why I've been absent...

So, I don't know if any of you know this, I think it's kind of obvious tbh but I suffer from really bad depression. Lately, I've been going through a very hard time, depression wise. I've been skipping out on work, I dropped out of spring quarter for college, I've been a complete mess and I've just been dealing with fucking up my life and all of that good stuff. 

I do still have my gym membership, but to be honest, I haven't gone in a month. I was going with my friend but she moved to a different state, so now I only see her when she visits and then we go together. I do like going, I like working out but I just haven't been motivated to even get out of fucking bed in the morning (more like afternoon.) my depression has been so bad that I ended up cutting again. I haven't cut in a year or so but it just felt like.... relief? Like I released all of the pent up shit that I had been holding in. 

I feel like a switch has been flipped in my head and now I don't want to eat anything, or I could always purge. I don't want to be a fat miserable fuck anymore. I tried eating healthy while I was away but it sucks. It would be way easier if I lived by myself because I just wouldn't buy all that fattening shit that my dad buys. Honestly, if it's there, I'm going to eat it. Without a doubt. I have zero self control. I wish they wouldn't fucking buy all the shitty chips and soda and sweets. It makes it so hard. I'm gonna try to do a "warm up" fast, but I'm not making any promises because I do have to work tomorrow and Saturday and I don't want to be all loopy. I might just fast through the day and then have a small meal before I go to bed. 

I'm seriously so sick of this shit. I haven't weighed myself in forever but I'm 100% sure that I've gained since my last post. I'm disgusting. 

The only time I ever truly truly felt sheer joy, just when I hit 139 pounds before high school. Seeing those numbers go down and breaking that plateau was probably the most amazing feeling! I'm leaving you guys with a motivational quote to kick your ass into gear (:

Update you tomorrow! 


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