I'm starting to think Ana is the only person i have left. This week (though it barely started) has been terrible. My best friend is going through something with her family and i don't know whats wrong because she never tells me anything. But she said its better if she doesn't talk to anyone, and she lives an hour away now so i never get to see her and texting is the only thing we have left and now i don't even have that to hold onto anymore. Why does life suck so much? and my 'second choice' (nicknamed her) and i are no longer friends. i don't know if shes aware of that fact but it is indeed a fact. i deleted both of their numbers out of my phone because i might never hear from them again so why bother having their numbers? Anyways this whole ordeal has happened over the past two days and I've lost 10 pounds. It sounds impossible right? TEN pounds in TWO days? geez. that worries even me. But its still an accomplishment. Every time i have to eat Ana starts screaming in my head, she's a real inspiration. Today i ate a piece of skinless chicken breast and some juice. but Ana was yelling so loud i couldn't even hear myself chew. Then Mia stepped in and said 'give the girl a break, you know its not gonna stay in there for very long' and i just realized i sound insane. gosh. But Mia was right as soon as i finished my juice i blasted my music and scrubbed the toilet clean and then purged my barely beating heart out. I mean like seriously, barely beating. I went farther than I've ever gone before, i just couldn't help it, the pain i felt in my stomach when i was trying to force up food that wasn't there anymore made me feel good, because i liked the pain. and every time my best friends face popped up into my head it only made me push harder. My knuckles were red and my stomach was a pit of fire but that still didn't stop me. I think i lost all my stomach acid too. okay maybe that's an exaggeration but it feels like it. and when i stepped on the scale afterwards it was down one more pound than it was this morning. Today i am 139 pushing double digits.
~~~Ana, hear my plea and guide me through this turmoil, push me off the edge and catch me as i fall. stay with me to keep me strong and thin and i can survive this. i will survive this.~~~