Friday, November 22, 2013

Ah! Technology sucks.

My last post was actually named something like "updates and thinspo" and the "updates and shit" was before I decided to add thinspo so I guess it only saved the original copy and when I tried publishing it AGAIN this morning I didn't notice that it didn't contain the thinspo so I'm sorry. I recently got an iPhone 4S so I'm trying to figure this stuff out. Ugh.
Yesterday I said "fuck" in front of my therapist without realizing it. I feel dirty now. I never really swore in front of my therapist so it made me cringe when it just slipped out like that. I've been accidentally/ "accidentally" restricting the past two days. I sleep all day, so yesterday when I woke up it was like 1 in the afternoon and my therapist appt. was at 5:30 so I had to leave by 4:30 and I still had to do laundry and shower and stuff so I just skipped eating. I drank some apple cinnamon tea though. But boy did I feel the repercussions, I live in a huge city that everyone has heard of, so when it's 4:30 that's rush hour traffic. So my dad had to constantly brake and go brake and go brake and go, so it made me incredibly nauseous and I had a terrible headache (this happens regularly when my bloodsugar gets too low, I think) so I felt awful and every time I looked down to change the song on my phone I felt the intense urge to puke everywhere. My therapist gave me a power bar which helped me for a bit and when I got home I had chicken soup and toast. That's it. I don't know how much I weigh this morning and I didn't get nearly enough sleep to get an accurate reading so after I get a nap in then I'll weigh myself.
I can sleep because I'm so hungry. My bones hurt and feel jumpy at the same time. I had to wake up at 6:50 today and I didn't even sleep until 3 am because I was starving. But I didn't eat. That's all that matters right? School is stressful. I feel so out of control. There's literally nothing that is in my hands and my hands alone. I need to clean my room and sleep and wait for my boyfriend to come down tomorrow. I need to be hugged and I need his warm cuddles.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this obese monstrosity staring back at me. I want to carve all of the fat off my body. But I can't because it will scar. That's the only thing that's stopping me. I want to be thin and beautiful not thin and horribly disfigured. I'll shut up now and post some thinspo. I've got a small variety since all my other photos are stuck in my old phone. I'll have to look into getting them out. I'll update later today or tomorrow. Until then my chickies (:

~xoxo anamia~

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