Well he got here Friday night and has been staying at my house since, we've been having a lot of fun and our relationship sparked right back up again. Well last night I wanted to surprise him by finding him directions in his phone so that he wouldn't get lost when he left tomorrow morning. I got curious so I clicked on his texts with his ex Ashley and started reading through them. That's when I found out that he had cheated on me. It was purely physical and a one time only thing and he admitted to it when I confronted him. He even cried, which he never does in front of anyone. Ever.
I had to decide what to do but I was so sad that I was crying in my room telling my best friend about it (this was at 2 am FYI) and then I went out to the living room and my boyfriend and I talked it out. He answered all of my questions and it seems like he was genuinely sorry about it.
Here's the weird thing. I know I should've reacted really angry and upset and yelling and stuff and don't get me wrong, I cried, but there was just something about it... Like I cried because I felt like it was what most people would do in that situation but honestly I didn't feel any different towards him. I still trusted him the same (weirdly) and I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that it was acceptable behavior but I didn't want to break up. So I prayed, I asked god to help me and for some reason I felt really calm all of a sudden and felt the urge to forgive my boyfriend. So I did. I forgave him and he promised he would never do it again and I believe him. He was lonely and he really is a good guy, so I don't see why I can't forgive him this time.
But. Now it's a new day and I'm laying here next to him and I'm thinking about them having sex and kissing and fondling each other and it's making me sick. He's mine. I love him. And he was kissing another girl. He was touching another girl. Not just any girl but his ex. The chick he was with for 2 and a half years. How do I compete with that? We've only been together for 5 months. I feel confused. I know that he loves me and all that but god, what do I do? I keep thinking of them undressing each other and moaning and it's fucking grossing me out. That was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be with him. Not her. I can't think anymore I need to focus on other things. I'll update y'all later. Thanks for listening.
P.s. I'm going to tell him that I cut again.