Life's ups and downs

So I realized that a lot of you have no idea what happened yesterday.Well I don't think I told you guys that josh came to see me this weekend. He had a three day weekend so he drove all this way to spend it with me. 

Well he got here Friday night and has been staying at my house since, we've been having a lot of fun and our relationship sparked right back up again. Well last night I wanted to surprise him by finding him directions in his phone so that he wouldn't get lost when he left tomorrow morning. I got curious so I clicked on his texts with his ex Ashley and started reading through them. That's when I found out that he had cheated on me. It was purely physical and a one time only thing and he admitted to it when I confronted him. He even cried, which he never does in front of anyone. Ever. 

I had to decide what to do but I was so sad that I was crying in my room telling my best friend about it (this was at 2 am FYI) and then I went out to the living room and my boyfriend and I talked it out. He answered all of my questions and it seems like he was genuinely sorry about it. 

Here's the weird thing. I know I should've reacted really angry and upset and yelling and stuff and don't get me wrong, I cried, but there was just something about it... Like I cried because I felt like it was what most people would do in that situation but honestly I didn't feel any different towards him. I still trusted him the same (weirdly) and I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that it was acceptable behavior but I didn't want to break up. So I prayed, I asked god to help me and for some reason I felt really calm all of a sudden and felt the urge to forgive my boyfriend. So I did. I forgave him and he promised he would never do it again and I believe him. He was lonely and he really is a good guy, so I don't see why I can't forgive him this time. 

But. Now it's a new day and I'm laying here next to him and I'm  thinking about them having sex and kissing and fondling each other and it's making me sick. He's mine. I love him. And he was kissing another girl. He was touching another girl. Not just any girl but his ex. The chick he was with for 2 and a half years.  How do I compete with that? We've only been together for 5 months. I feel confused. I know that he loves me and all that but god, what do I do? I keep thinking of them undressing each other and moaning and it's fucking grossing me out. That was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be with him. Not her. I can't think anymore I need to focus on other things. I'll update y'all later. Thanks for listening. 

P.s. I'm going to tell him that I cut again.