Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I triggered myself?

Recently my depression has gotten way worse; I sleep 18 hours a day or so, I started cutting again, I'm starting to restrict again and all of this happened because I got high three days in a row and got cross-faded (drunk and high) on the first day. This stupid decision of mine completely wrecked my emotional guards and borders that I keep up to keep myself from feeling anything. I started crying and ever since then I have been so depressed. Okay well that's not everything. My cousin kind of molested me? The people I told said it was no big deal but they were men so I don't think their opinion matters.
Let me explain, I went to my big cousin J's house, where her (45-50) and her son (23) N live. I only went to see her because I don't really like N. I stayed there a few nights and on the second night, J and I started doing shots, and then N and I got high together. Now something you need to know is that N is high 24/7 that's not even an exaggeration. So I was beyond blackouts at this point, I can hardly remember most of the night honestly. But what I do remember is that I wanted to smoke another hit but he said that I would have to do something for it, I can't really remember and then like 5 minutes later or something I said that I wanted to get high and he took my hand and the next thing I knew I was fucking jerking him off?!?!? I don't fucking know how that happened because I blacked out but I remember going outside and getting high again. I was seriously fucked up and I don't even remember agreeing to anything! I just remember having this break in consciousness and all of a sudden I was in the laundry room with him and he was touching me and stuff so I don't know what the fuck happened. It was probably my fault or something but I don't remember anything and that freaks me out.
I'm moving in a month hopefully if my boyfriend doesn't change his mind. I pray that he doesn't change his mind, I would be completely devastated. I'm gonna try to restrict to 500-600 calories a day until I move and then I'll be too poor to buy food at all so that's good. Sorry I haven't been updating I had to delete blogger off my phone along with all this other stuff because I only have 6 gigs of memory in my iPhone -___- but I'm gonna be updating a lot more now that my life has gone to shit.

I hope you have a lovely day


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