Tuesday, October 4, 2011

another average day....

okay so i felt extremely faint today. like i seriously was dizzy and disoriented, same meaning? i dunno. anyway. i was walking to sixth period and i got this feeling like i didn't know where i was or where i was going or what i was doing, ya know? so yea and then i had to walk up two flights of stairs to get to my class and i was gripping the rail so tight my knuckles went white. i thought i was gonna fall. seriously. so when school was over i had a small bowl of rice and chicken. it was justified because i don't want to cause worry until I'm thin as a rail. so.....then i came home. with my friend. who brought whipped cream....for cupcakes....that I WANTED TO FUCKING MAKE. all i could think the entire time was don't do it I'm hungry DON'T i want to taste the sweet sugar on my tongue NO yes too much wasted progress, so in the end i had TWO, not ONE but TWO fucking cupcakes, each approximately 200 calories. TWO HUNDRED FUCKING CALORIES PER ITTY BITTY CUPCAKE. what the fuck is this shit? and my boyfriend and one of my best friends were at my house so i started freaking out even more cause i knew they thought i was a fucking fat cow for eating two. even though they ate more than me i still probably looked like a fucking failure to them. (they know I'm on a "diet" not that I'm starving myself) so i went to pee in the bathroom and i was looking in the mirror and felt so ashamed that i purged everything into the sink. but i didn't purge the rice and chicken because i was scared it would clog the drain. oh and they didn't hear anything because i turned the music up really loud. i have officially mastered the art of purging without sticking my fingers down my throat. all i have to do is gag and it all comes up. does that deserve a congratulations? i have no idea. and then because i was scared i would still get fat, i probably will. i wouldn't be surprised if i woke up 10 pounds heavier. i went for a mile run (roughly) it felt amazing. like i was flying. it was like i was free. hehehe i love to run. unless its during p.e. cause i HATE jiggling in front of people. so running while people are watching is a nono in my book. which is why i always walk or power walk. i hate it when my cheeks jiggle, its depressing. so i flex my face muscles when i run. and then i did 50 jumping jacks and came inside. not the best workout I've done but i have cross country running tomorrow so I'll make up for it then. unfortunately I'm not able to weigh myself (i have my monthly) and my weight always goes to shit during this time. like this morning i woke up 4 pounds heavier and then i took a shower and when i weighed myself after i lost 3 pounds. so screw that. I'm gonna weigh myself the day after it stops to see my final weight. i feel like a fat ass. although my legs have toned a bit and my stomach is sort've shrinking. OMG some guy poked my stomach and asked if I've been working out because it felt skinnier. made my day. people are noticing. it encourages me to keep going. and i noticed my collar bones stick out a little more today than yesterday and i told my friend to look and she gave me this sorta jealous look and said "i hate that" and i asked why and she said "just because i dunno" so i think she was jealous because you can see my collar bones and not hers. shes a little on the chubby side but has the skinniest legs ever. so jealous of her. shes super pretty. she claims shes not. i think she knows how pretty she is and is bullshitting everyone to get sympathy. the thing with anorexia is that it causes you to be blunt honest with people about the shit they pull. but when it comes to eating or not eating you lie your ass off. that's the circle of life though, right? stay skinny.



p.s. my stomach growled through this entire post. whoooop for progress!!!! i love this hungry feeling. it makes me feel alive.

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