Sunday, October 2, 2011

stories and lies

so my mother was surprised about my vast knowledge of anorexia and dieting. shes on a diet now and shes encouraging me in my "diet" too. she asked me what i was doing to lose weight and i told her i restrict what i eat and that i exercise and she was so proud of me i was amazed. my mother has never been proud of me for anything except losing weight. being fat herself, shes been dieting off and on since i was born. she says that before i came along she was skinny and then i ruined it. nice women eh? after me she started eatingeatingeating and gained like 40 pounds. she weighs 190. everyone i ask says i look like i weigh 120-130, i wonder what they would do if they knew how much i really weighed. probably flip a shit. a year and a half ago i really got into anorexia...i think that's when i started this blog. i really have to watch what i say around people. this morning when i was giving my mother diet tips to try and be helpful she asked me how i knew so much about anorexia and i told her that it was for a book i started righting a year and a half ago. which isn't a total lie. i started writing a book about an anorexic girl to distract myself from the hungry i felt daily. it was also used as insurance because i could freely talk about anorexia and blame my knowledge on the book. high five for genius ideas. i only added stuff to the book when my mother was around or when i was about to break a fast. i made sure she knew about it so it could be my future alibi. it also allowed me to visit pro ana sites and fasting tips for anorexia without having to delete my history afterwords. i never finished my book though. why would i? its not like i was really gonna get it published or anything. after i reminded her about the book this morning she said she was glad i never finished it because i scared her during that time, she said she didn't want me taking on any of the traits i put in that book. if only she knew. anyway....
my progress has screeched to a stop because yesterday my mother was off and she bought pizza and my boyfriend was there too and i was forced to eat 2 slices pepperoni (580) 3 slices sausage (840) 1 slice mushroom w/black olives (330) 3 bowls special k w/ whole milk (770) that's roughly 2520 - 2600 calories for yesterday. when i calculated all of that i cried. and cried. and cried some more. and this morning wasn't any better i had 1 slice pepperoni (290) 1 slice mushroom (330) and 1 bowl special k w/whole milk (270) that totals to 920 calories. and its not even 1 o'clock. I'm gonna jump rope until i faint and run around my block and do squats and jumping jacks and push ups and sit ups and planks and anything i can until those numbers go away. I'm not even getting close to a scale until Thursday or Friday. i cant let myself see the numbers. it will break me. I'm doing a water fast until Thursday then a drink fast until i cant take it anymore. thinspire me please. I'm gonna print out thinspiration on my computer and put them on my bedroom walls. i already have some up. lets hope for the best.

stay strong, don't follow my horrid example

w/ <3


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