Thursday, October 13, 2011


mmk. so. i had to eat normally today. meaning that the food i shoved through the black abyss that most people call a mouth, was fattening and plentiful. but i didn't binge. thank Ana. cause Ana is my god, hehe get it?
anyway. so when i got home from school around 12:30 (today was a minimum day) i went straight to the kitchen :/ i made myself a meat patty, potatoes, eggs, and i had a hamburger bun. but that was and is all I'm having for the rest of the day. I'll probably be fatter tomorrow. sigh. and yesterday was going great UNTIL i made myself eat a tomato for fear that i would faint....again. OH! i didn't tell you about that huh? so after i found out my mom was divorcing my father and that my boyfriend fell out of love with me (i found them out in the same week, lucky me) i had a total mental breakdown, which left me sobbing for two hours, then i fainted. and my mom got worried and took me to the doctor. he drew my blood and made me pee in a cup -__________- betch. so i did NOT want to do that again.

oh and Ive discovered something about myself. since i found out about my parents divorce i decided that i just....well to put it simply....i just don't give a fuck anymore. nothing phases me. on Monday i ditched. it was a rush. I've only ditched once before and that was p.e. but i was still in school. this time i didn't even go to school. i told my mother i was walking and then just walked aimlessly for an hour until it was safe to go home again. and then today i ditched second and third. so I'm having a love affair with teenage rebellion. i love how it feels. and before i was a pushover. MAJORLY. i would do ANYTHING for any of my friends and they knew that. I've been used countless times. but now, now I'm just....i dunno. I'm a new person. i tell it like it is and i don't care if they don't like it. I'm not mean. not by far. everyone says I'm too nice for my own good. i was also a goody goody. emphasis on WAS. but a couple of my friends have asked for advice since i changed and before i used to curve the edges but this time i just told them straight up what i thought. they loved my advice. it shocked them at first but it made them think and realize i was right. since i found out about my mothers lies, i disowned her. yes i know..."always love your mother, you only get one blahblahblah" point is. you don't know my mother. shes emotionally and physically abusive and doesn't give a shit about anyone. especially me. shes told me countless times shes hated me, she even threw a shoe at my face once.
back to Ana. I'm starting to see more bones :D today i can see two more ribs and my collarbone is sticking out prominently. happy progress. hehe I'm getting somewhere but it wont show up on the scale. i hate this complicated body cycle.
p.s. i think I'm dying. Ive had my period going on two weeks. no wonder i feel so faint. this isn't normal, especially for my cycle. i usually don't get it this much or this heavy. I'm pretty sure I'm hemorrhaging somewhere intestinally. oh well.
stay skinny, sorry this wasn't an entire post dedicated to Ana :/ i just need a place to vent EVERYTHING going on in my life, ya know?

starve on skinny minnies,


No comments:

Post a Comment