so today i ran a mile during p.e. well jogged/power walked it since it was a bagillion degrees outside. but I'm so proud of myself because when i was jogging i really wanted to take a break and walk but instead i pep talked myself. but with negative words. i said "you really want to jiggle forever?" and when i was about to start walking i was like "jigglejigglejigglejigglejiggle" over and over in my head and i finished it by running :D so yay for victory. but after school i went to my friends house like always and my stomach was growling so loud that i had to eat rice and chicken but i wont eat anything else for the rest of the evening and maybe I'll go out and jog or do some jump rope. i have a lot of history research to do for world history and its frustrating me. its worth 4 grades and we have until Thursday to finish it. shes a bitch. nuff said. her name is ms. Castro. freaking twat man. during fourth period (after p.e.) i wrote myself a letter about how disappointed i was in myself. i do that a lot. i find it inspirational when I'm tempted to eat. the letter is as follows:
warning: this letter is typed exactly as written, no changes have been made.
congratulations, you're a fat ass. you couldn't even run a mile without stopping to walk. you're so out of shape its disgusting. you should be ashamed. you look at other girls and envy their toothpick legs, while you gorge yourself with food. pathetic. you cant reach success if you don't bother trying. your plan is to drink water, maybe milk, and tea. NO FOOD. don't you want to be 130- 147 by Halloween? i believe in you. I'm proud of your pep talks during your run. i like how you started thinking negative when you thought about walking. you told yourself the truth. you are a fat piece of shit whose thighs jiggle and whose only talent is stuffing your face. that is true.don't you want to be someone elses thinspo? someone elses inspiration? don't you want to freely tell people how much you weigh and watch the jealousy burn through their retinas? don't you want strangers to ask you how you get so skinny? don't you want your pants to fit you loose? don't you want your new pants to slide up easily? don't you want to fit into children's clothes? don't you want people to secretly say your too skinny behind your back? don't you want to be able to try on clothes in front of your friends? don't you want to see bone? don't you want your hip bones to stick out and your knees to be bigger than your thighs? don't you want your mom to be proud of you? don't you want to be her inspirational role model? don't you want to wear a slutty costume on Halloween and feel proud? don't you want to fit into anything and look good? don't you want to worry the doctors? don't you want to have 0% body fat? don't you want to be beautiful? don't you want to feel the rush and burning sensation of not eating? isn't it a great feeling? stop eating. get skinny. its an equation you know works, you've done it before you can do it again. make me and all the people who think you cant do it jealous. "i knew you wouldn't last" "you're not gonna make it" "you ALWAYS say your gonna diet" *laughter of people who think you're a failure* make them EAT their words. i believe in you.
the skinny bitch inside.
i find that writing down all my inner thoughts makes them more official. all those voices inside your head make sense on paper and its thinspirational. stay skinny.