the following was originally posted 10/11/2011
so these past couple days have been the most emotion days of my entire life. i have never cried so much before. basically my life is shit. its sorta getting better but not really. so it started off by finding out my mother has been secretly flirting with this cockpop named "David" and shes planning on divorcing my dad, oh and did i mention that my dad has no idea any of this is going on? yea that's why shes the bitch from the title. i was in denial about the whole divorce thing pretending like it wasn't happening but today she said she wanted to divorce him and over and over and over in my head i kept saying "this isn't real" etc. but when i found out on Saturday what that whore was up to i called my boyfriend and vented to him and he didn't really seem interested :/ but i disregarded it and kept talking. and then yesterday we were hanging out and hes been a total dick this week ya know? so he didn't want to sit on the couch with me so he sat on the other one. and he was just being really mean. and he used my phone to go on facebook. and told me to sign off for him (i didn't) and when he left i looked at his messages and my heart shattered into a bagillion pieces. he messaged his friend on Friday and he was like "dude i need your help its an emergency" and his friend was like "oh fuck what is it?" and he said "I'm losing feelings for my gf and I'm thinking about breaking up with her" THAT WAS ON FRIDAY, WE HUNG OUT ALL FUCKING WEEKEND AND HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND SHIT AND HE KISSED AND HUGGED ME TOO. WHATTHEFUCK. but wait. it gets way worse. after i started crying and having a total mental breakdown i called my best friend and she was listening while i cried and then i called my guy friend X and he listened while i cried and told me "hes a fucking asshole. he doesn't realize how great of a person you are and....you're beautiful. so fuck him if he doesn't realize that. you know what you need to do? invite him to your house, nutcheck him as hard as you can, then kick his ass outside and lock the door." he made me laugh and he called me beautiful :3 but i still kept crying and shit so i called my best friend and i was just sobbing into the phone and she was trying to comfort me which is why X and my best friend,,,,we'll call her A are the saviors in the title. but unfortunately i was so depressed i took 22 pills i found in my moms stuff. benadryl and some heartburn medication. and I'm not even fucking joking i LITERALLY felt death. i felt my heart stop and everything. it felt amazing though. wow i sound mentally ill. oh well. and the only thing that saved me was that i threw up in the sink. because it made me really nauseated. after i threw up i went to lay down and my boyfriend messaged me "hey" so i put "hi" and i had updated my facebook status to "because the guy that promised you forever really meant never, and when he said he would always love you, he lied" and i guess he saw that. but i fell asleep before i received his reply lol so he was like "whats with your status" and when i didn't reply he sent me a million more messages which i didn't see cause i was asleep :P and then he called me and i woke up and he was like "hey what are you doing?" and in my head i was like (oh please you don't love me anymore you stupid fucker why do you care) but instead i was like "you lost your feelings for me?" and he was like "how did you know?" and i said "you left your facebook open" and he said "I TOLD YOU TO SIGN OUT" and i said "i tried but it said error message" (lie) and then he was like "well i don't know" and i said "you don't love me anymore?" and he said he didn't know so i said i had to go and he begged me not to cause he wanted to talk still so we talked a little but as you know i was completely drugged out and couldn't even move my arms or legs cause they felt so heavy. but he said he had to go (obviously to think about us) and then he called back ten minutes later and i asked him what he was doing and he said " (insert my name here) i realized that i really do love you" and i asked if that was true and he said "yes i really really do love you (.....call me J) and I'm so so sorry i put you through all of this. i promise I'll never do it again. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. i love you" he sounded sincere so i forgave him. then i fell asleep after he said i love you a million more times (x hehe. but then, today i logged onto his facebook and saw that he told his OTHER friend on OCTOBER 4TH that he didn't love me anymore and that he was only with me because he promised not to break up with me. but he told him that he was gonna be a total dick to me so that I WOULD BREAK UP WITH HIM, so he could keep his promise to me. this was the morning after i forgave him too :/ so i had a total breakdown (again) and you know the ugly cry? the one that makes you sound like a dying whale and makes your face crumple so you look like a fucking retard? yepp that's the one. i was crying and clutching my chest saying "ow it hurts" over and over and i totally trashed my room. i threw all my books out of the shelves and just completely demolished it. my heart was broken twice in two days by one person. how fucked is that? that's why hes the liar from the title. i realized that every i love you, every kiss, every hug, every cuddle was a lie and it broke me. i sobbed out all the built up shit that I've been bottling up over the past couple of years. and now i feel cleansed and ready to get back on track with Ana. i can do this, i will do this. for those of you who are wondering, my boyfriend and i are still together. i told him about my mental breakdown and he apologized profusely for causing me so much pain. he said he never wanted to hurt me like that again. I'm not going to fully trust him or fall for him until i know for sure hes in this for good. I'll take it one step at a time. i still love him a lot but I'm not gonna show it all just yet. for a while I'm going to let him be the one to start coming to me. I'm not gonna initiate the holding of hands, kissing, sex, i love yous, until i know hes the real deal. i will not let him hurt me again. I'm better than that. stay strong.
love,
~~anamia~~
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