Saturday, October 8, 2011


so i haven't been able to post because my mom caught the cold so shes been staying home pretty much all week. my computer is in her room and she was in there 24/7 so i wasn't able to blog :/ sorry. uhm these past days have been "normal." as in normal eating. my mom, 2 best friends, and boyfriend have been coming over every single day so i have to eat normally. but then i go out for a run or walk around 7pm - 9pm depending on what I'm doing at the time. usually i go jogging or brisk walking at 7:30pm though. especially now, because its been freezing over here lately. it was pouring rain and stuff so i went jogging in shorts and a baggy shirt. i love the cold weather. i love to exercise in the cold weather. because you're burning more calories than you would when its warm. because the cold weather lowers your body temperature so its working to get it back up AND you're exercising at the same time? that's a lot of calories you're burning. so i still cant weigh myself cause my period is still here ]: this is disappointing. I've also been taking really cold showers lately. the kind that make you breathe in little gasps because its so cold. yepp those burn 100 calories per degree your body temperature goes down. yesterday i got a good kick in the ass (verbally) that made me really REALLY want to get down to my ugw of 98 pounds. i was laying on the couch with my boyfriend and he pushed me off (jokingly) and my best friend came in and was like "you guys are gonna kill each other one day" and i was laughing and i was like "he pushed me off the couch" and she said "cause you're too fat to fit on it" and i didn't want to get all defensive because i hate conflict as much as i hate being a fat ass so i just started laughing and my boyfriend like gasped when she said that cause he expected me to get mad but when i started laughing he smiled. so now i really wanna get down to my ugw of 98 pounds. so that i can show her who's the skinny one. and so that she can be the fat ass. its just motivating to me when people comment on my weight. its like "watch in a couple months I'm gonna be skin and bones and you're gonna be a tub of lard" anyway. i tried to figure out mobile blogging so that i can blog while my moms home but it didn't work for shit. so I'm sorry. after all the food yesterday i took my laxative tea and its working....if you know what i mean. i noticed today when i was looking in the mirror that if i suck in my stomach then lift my arms you can see my ribs :D that made my day and now i don't feel like eating. oh! and did i tell you my moms on a diet now? she can never let me have anything to myself. fuck. I wanted to lose weight and then she decides that I'm a good motivator and wants to do it with me. but of course shes better at it. shes reading this diet book and she says that it really helps. apparently because shes lost about 13 pounds and i don't even know how much i lost. shes only been on the diet for like 1 1/2 weeks. i normally wouldn't mind her going on a diet with me but she keeps bragging about her success and its starting to piss me off. she keeps telling me how her new diet works because she doesn't get hungry throughout the day and she has to force herself to eat a little something cause she doesn't get hungry. while shes telling me this I'm thinking about everything i ate that day and it makes me feel like shit. its like I'm glad shes losing weight and stuff but STOP PREACHING YOUR SUCCESS. when I'm on my period i have no control over what i eat. so i eat a lot. and she knows but she keeps telling me over and over how people are noticing that shes losing weight when no one notices that i am. not even at school. not even my closest friends notice. it makes me feel like i failed. I'm definitely fasting for as long as i can. i WILL be skinny.
stay starving.

with love,

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