Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm back lovelies!

Yes I have failed you all, including myself. BUT I am back now and I don't really worship "Ana" the way I used to. I still have an eating disorder and no I have no intentions of recovery anytime soon, but I don't personify Ana anymore. It is anorexia, not a person. I am not pro ana anymore, but I will help anyone in need. I don't think you guys knew that I self harm but I do. I have been clean for a month and a half or so.
Okay so my weight has reached its highest! Such a shame. But I've had a lot of traumatic events happen in the past 2 years. It has been an uphill battle to say the least.
Firstly, F and I are no longer together. We broke up in September I think. I went through a depressed phase and ate everything and put on a fuck ton of weight! But now I'm getting back into my eating habits and I'm currently on day 4 of the ABC diet. It's going smoothly, I've lost 8.6 lbs so far!! awesome sauce. Him and I don't really talk as much anymore, heartbreaking but I've moved on. It took a good 4 months to let go mind you.
I realized after we ended that this disorder and the paranoia that comes with it absolutely DEMOLISHED my relationship. He actually was a really good guy, yes he could be an asshat every once in a while but he was a really really nice boy and I lost him because I took advantage of that. I didn't realize that he was actually a good guy until he ended it. Oh well, no matter. Don't fret over what you can't change, right? I tried so hard after I realized that I was the problem (it was way too late) and by that time I had hurt him so much that I wouldn't put him through that again. Then he moved 30 minutes away to live with his aunt, then she died so he moved a good 2 hours away. So the chances of ever seeing him again are rather slim. Oh well. The last I heard he was doing really well! He drives and has a job now and he's getting home schooled  I'm proud of him, but at the same time it kinda broke my heart, to realize that he ended up being fine without me.
But ANYWAY, I met a new boy (; well technically I haven't met him yet. He's my ex's friend from his hometown, which is a good 5 HOURS away. It started off that I was just messaging him to ask for advice on how to get F back, but it advanced to some flirting here and there (keep in mind that this is the same guy that F talked crap about me to) and I started to like him. He didn't judge me at all! Not even with all the stuff F told him! He said he couldn't possibly make judgments about me because he had never spoken to me before. Guess what! he's soooo nice. We've been "talking" since late November, and in January we exchanged "I love you's" and he gives me butterflies. He's 17, he drives AND has his own truck, he cares about people and animals, he's super cute, and he's like 5'9-10. He is the nicest guy I've ever known! We made a plan to see each other and for the longest time I felt like it wouldn't happen but then my parents agreed to take me all the way over there!! I'm so excited. So that's why I need to lose 36 pounds in the next 3 months. sounds crazy but I could do it.
He (we'll call him J) says I'm perfect and sexy the way I am (sooo sweet I know!!) and that I don't need to lose weight, but he supports my decisions. He knows all the spiderwebs in my closet by the way. I've told him everything. He didn't run or judge me either, he just listened and said he'd always be there for me. I love this boy you guys.I would literally drive to the middle of the country to see him haha. I've never felt this way about a boy before, he compliments me every single day, he respects me, he NEVER gets mad at me, he's amazing and he's all mine <3 nbsp="" p="">plus I'm trying really hard to not make the same mistakes as I did with my ex. J is an amazing guy and I never want to lose him. We have sooo much in common. In my past relationships I never really felt secure and loved and worthy of anything but he makes me feel that way everyday. He also doesn't lie to me and he keeps his promises (unless he forgets) (I don't show that I'm angry when he forgets! don't want to be making mistakes again)
This boy has a heart, and he's suffered terrible loses in life. His mother died in August and his father is in rehab, so he lives with his grandpa (he lived with his grandpa and his dad before though) He's so lovely.

okay enough about that, sorry! I'll make a new post with my current stats. absolutely horrendous so caution!!!!

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